Saturday, April 08, 2006

Scared....

I'm hoping to start nursing school in the fall to become an LVN (with the eventual goal of becoming a RN). I live in a small town about an hour away from any kind of "big" city. However, a local (and by local I mean about an hour away) college offers an LVN course in my town. That's why I haven't gotten a job yet and we're managing to scrape by.

There are so many things that have to happen correctly for this to work out. And I'm praying that they do.
1. I have to be accepted by the college. This is no easy task in itself. I was last in college in fall of 2002, and, well, let's just say that my last couple of semesters of college didn't go so well. It's not that I'm not smart enough to do well. It was just a point in my life where I was depressed and not trying very hard at anything in my life. Therefore, my GPA is a little lot below where it's supposed to be. Why fall, 2002? Well, in the Spring (right around New Year's, to be exact), I found out that I was going to have Miss Priss. So, I'm hoping that they'll see that I am a returning student who has had some major life changes since I was last in school and I have serious motivation to do well.

2. I have to be accepted by the program. That one I'm not sweating too much (I hope I'm not screwing up in that thought). They don't have very many people who want to take the class in my little town, so there's not much competition.

3. I have to take the NET test. It's been a long time since I've taken any sort of test like that. However, I've always been a good test taker, so I'm getting a book to study with and I think I'll do okay.

4. I have to get financial aid. This is another kicker. The entire plan revolves around me not having to pay out very much right now -- as in nothing. I need grants (which I'm pretty sure I'll qualify for) and student loans to pick up a majority of the cost. And I'll still have to figure out how to pay for daycare (unless we qualify for daycare assistance -- another thing I'll have to look into).


5. I have to get copies of my transcripts. Easy enough, right? Well, no, not exactly. See, I have a hold on my records and the last university I attended won't give them to me since I happen to owe them a little money from the last time I attended. This is because my financial aid didn't quite work out that last semester (apparently, if you aren't making progress, they don't want to keep funding your efforts -- fair enough). However, I worked for 2 1/2 years putting money into a retirement account through work that I requested to get back. I'm not opposed to saving for retirement. But, I would rather save in a job that is better where I'm making more money. By taking the money out now, I can do that .

6. I have to get my Hep B shots -- that's no big deal, but I have to start them by the end of May.

So, why the long drawn out explanation (besides just to give me a checklist)? Because this is scary to me. I haven't been in school in almost 4 years officially, and much longer than that realistically. The list above contains so many little things that need to get done, but it seems like everything has to come together just right to make this happen. And it scares me. What if it doesn't work just right? What then? I don't have a plan for that scenario. If any one thing doesn't work out, the whole plan doesn't work out.

I think my husband doesn't understand why I'm dragging my feet. He's a go-getter. If it needs to be done, he goes and does it. I tend to avoid things that are scary to me. It's like a reflex. I'm scared of the unknown, and I avoid things that might make me anxious or nervous. It's the result of years of panic attacks. I'll do anything to avoid them. But I have to quit dragging my feet. I have to look at my kids and realize that their future depends on me doing something with my life. And it's time to get it done.

1 comment:

overactive-imagination said...

You sound just like I did before I went to college for dental assisting 10 years ago. I was scared of change and a quiet person to boot. One of those people who talked to only the few people I knew at a party or I didn't go at all if there were going to be lots of people I didn't know.

That was me at the beginning of the year. By the middle of the year I was class Vice President (turned down President because I didn't want to make the class speech at graduation) and class Historian (yearbook photographer, director, chief and editor).
You'll come out of your shell and you'll fit in great. Just like you said... you have a different view point in life now and are working or much more important things.

Dawn