Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Oh, come on!

I'm trying to consolidate my student loans. I've been turned down now by two companies (one of them being the company who loaned me the money in the first place) because - this is my favorite - I don't owe enough money. If I had $25,000 or $30,000 in debt, they'd do it. Since my debt is a measly little $21,000, they aren't interested. It's infuriating. Now I'm off to surf the web for someone who will actually consolidate my loans.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Now that's an interesting development.

I got a call from my STBX around lunchtime today. He sounded kind of upset, and he told me that he had two questions for me: Would I be willing to work on our relationship provided he got a job and moved back home and cut off all contact with Smalltown, Texas? and do I still love him in a romantic way?

Am I a horrible person that my first thought was - what kind of game is he playing?

Honestly, this was kind of the moment I've been hoping for for months. I didn't want things to end in divorce, but I was not going to be the little wife sitting at home while he's out carousing. So, now I've got all kinds of things going through my head. Am I willing to try and work it out? And if so, am I doing it for the right reasons? I mean, to really make it work, I would have to do it for me and for what I want - not because of the girls, not for the security that it would provide, not because I don't want to be alone.

I do still love him. Will it work though? I don't know. Does he love me that much? I guess that's what remains to be seen. I would have more faith in him if I saw him actually work toward a reconciliation. I'm not going to do the work on my own. He'll have to search for a job. I won't help. It's a small thing to ask if he truly wants to be with me.

Our relationship would not be the same. I know I've changed (for the better in my opinion), and even he's noticed that. Could he deal with that? I have no desire to go back to being the woman I was when I was with him previously. I'm a little more outspoken about what I want. I have no desire to swallow my anger and just do things myself. Instead, he's going to have to help pull his weight around the house. He got lazy about that, I got resentful, things went downhill. I would want to avoid the things that drove us apart in the past.

God help me, I've gotten my hopes up that he's serious and no just playing me for the fool (again). My head is telling me not to be an idiot. My heart is telling me to give it one more shot - all I lose is a little time before I file the divorce if things don't work out.

I wish their was a clear cut answer. I wish there was a magic way of knowing that I was making the right decision in giving him another chance. I guess a good start would be if he got a job locally and moved back home. I guess that's the jumping off point.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

I've started the paperwork....

for my divorce. It's actually easier than I thought (or else I'm doing it wrong). There's a lot that we need to sort out still, but we had a nice long conversation yesterday morning regarding some of the arrangements.

He's been talking to some of his divorced friends because he's suddenly concerned about the financial arrangements. He's afraid that I'm going to take him to the cleaners when it's his mother who's watching the girls and providing all the childcare. Does he honestly think I haven't thought of that? I realize that, but it doesn't mean he doesn't have to provide any support at all for his kids. He suggested $300/month. Which I'm inclined to agree to in some respects (especially considering the child care thing), but that is supposed to pay all of their insurance costs as well. Uh, no. I'm thinking $300 plus the insurance premiums and any medical/dental bills. Which would actually make it $450 or so per month. He would like it if I don't consider his second job income since he doesn't know how long he'll have that. He told me that he's not going to "put himself in a financial hardship" and that I make more money than he does. So, therefore, I have no right to savings? I have money enough to pay my bills (as long as childcare is covered), but I would like to put money away for a house and a new car and for the girls to eventually go to college (not that I'm paying for all of it, but I'd like to help some). I know he's pretty incapable of saving money, so that's going to be up to me. I want to have the life I want rather than getting by as I have been. I agree that he doesn't have to finance my life, but still - they are his children, and he should support them some. As it is, he provides no support - his mother does, but that's her choice. I can't even really talk to his parents about everything because when I asked him how much his parents knew (so that I can don't reveal things he doesn't want them to know), he told me that when everything started, he told them that it's his life and his business. Oh, great. Way to stay on their good side.

And the car. We bought the truck (which I should never have agreed to) in October. We've made 4 payments, so only 68 more to go. He's going to be paying those, but if I can arrange it, he's going to have to refinance it into his name only. I want no liability for it - I'm not going to carry insurance on it (well, I'm still debating that - once it's out of my name, I certainly won't, but until then, I might just to cover my ass in case it gets wrecked - the finance company would want money, if he's at fault, other people might want money - I'd rather an insurance company be responsible for that). So, anyway, when he got the truck, I got the Hyundai which we got in 2004. His parents bought it for us and we signed an agreement that we would pay them back. Which we haven't so far. We actually haven't paid them anything. When we were considering buying the truck and I was hesitant, he told me that if things didn't work out between us, he would take the truck (and refinance it) and I would get the Hyundai and he would assume all debt for it.

So, now the negotiation begins. Now I'm getting to have all the fun of trying to figure this all out and hope he agrees -which means just like any bargaining thing, I'll have to start out higher than I really want or have tradeoffs that I'm willing to take. So there we are. I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

It's been one of those days.

I swear, I feel like I'm getting picked on. I realize this is probably just PMS, but still. At work, I got a couple of snippy emails and a phone call that I wasn't overly friendly (well, actually, in that guy's defense, he was friendly, but he wanted the problem to be resolved, so I can't really be mad at him). And then my STBX (soon-to-be-ex-husband) told me on the phone tonight that he was just asking about my day and I didn't have to be short with him. That just about set me off. So, I think I'm going to go paint my toenails, take a nice hot bath and go to bed. Oh, wait, Project Runway has to figure in there somewhere.

And the plants are already sprouting! I think we're actually going to have flowers! :D

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

We planted flowers!

The girls and I planted flowers in one of these. We planted Impatiens, Shasta Daisies, 2 different colors of Morning Glories, Bluebonnets (State Flower of Texas), and Zinnias. We'll see what comes up - hopefully a lot and hopefully quickly! Then I'll have to figure out what do with them, but I'm just waiting to see if they actually sprout first.

I'm reading a really great book called Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aron Ralston, the guy whose arm got pinned while he was hiking in a canyon and had to amputate his arm. Very interesting book. I'd recommend it to anyone who likes non-fiction. :)

Sunday, February 17, 2008

I don't think he's thought this through....

because if he had, he'd know that moving in with his mistress for "financial reasons" is not a good plan. By lying to me, by leading me on, not smart - he gave up any chance of any reconciliation, and he's going to find out that he's going to be worse off when he starts paying me child support and for the girls' insurance (because that's the standard agreement - a percentage of his income as well as all medical bills and premiums). Since he'll never be able to find any insurance for the girls for cheaper (especially good insurance), it makes sense to leave it under my insurance and he can just pay me for what comes out of my check. But he's not thinking straight. He's consumed with her and with guilt toward me. He keeps asking how I'm doing (apparently, I've seemed kind of "blah" lately. Really? Maybe that's because I don't feel the need to confide in an asshole who can lie to my face. Just a thought. See - I knew that anger/bitterness phase would kick in. I got the book on how to do my own divorce from the library (including the disk which has all the necessary forms on it). I'm willing to do this without lawyers if he's more agreeable to that (which I'm sure he is since it's waaaaaaaaay cheaper). But I'm going to be the one writing it up, so it's going to be what I want (and I like to think I can be fair). Don't worry, though, if he decides to get lawyers involved, my uncle is an attorney, so I have someone I can turn to if it goes that way. I'm getting to the point where I am ready to get this over with. I want it all done and worked out, so that I can start saving my money (which he's leaving alone - it's a joint account). The only thing that remains to be seen is child care for the girls. I am a little worried about it. I like to think that his mom will realize it's what's best for the girls, but still. That's the only thing I'm really worried about. Thank God that I'm at a point in my life where I can pay for things on my own. I don't have a mortgage. I don't live beyond my means. And if worst came to worst, I could even pay for childcare for the girls (the little things like the internet and satellite would have to go, but it could be done).

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Okay, let me see...

if I can spit out all the stuff I'm thinking. First, let me tell you what he told me. Or paraphrase. Blah, blah, blah, he loves how easy it is to talk to me, how easy it is to have a intelligent conversation. He loves so many things about me, but there's no chemistry. I agree with the no chemistry part - that part of our relationship admittedly died a long time ago. And I don't want to be second best or what he's settling for. So, from my perspective, this is best.

What I have a problem with is her. I'm not naive. I realize that two people were involved in this affair. I question his morals as much as hers, but only one of them is a parent to my children. They have to be around him. I don't want them around her. And part of that is because of what he told me about her. He seems to have no respect for her or at least doesn't think she's very smart. What does that tell my children? That tells them that men value the 21 year old idiot more than the 27 year old with half a brain (or maybe even more than that LOL). He is their role model. Has he forgotten that? That's my current issue with him.

I understand that financial reasons are driving part of this. And, realistically, since I've done more research on it, I know that he'll be paying me child support at 25% of his income as well as all medical bills associated with them (including the premiums that I pay for their insurance). Plus, he'll also have to get his own car insurance (I'm currently paying for that policy). So, yeah, there are expenses. That's for the two of them to work out. As long as my child support is coming in, it's not my problem.

What I do have a major problem with is that he thinks I'm an idiot. Does he think I really believe that they're going to be roommates for the most part (that's what he told me!)? Seperate rooms? Hello! Do I have stupid written across my forehead? If he's going to live with her, he might as well own up to it.

Anyway, back to the original thing - he wants the girls to come out and visit for a long weekend (Saturday through Tuesday) soon. This is where I have a very, very hard time knowing what to do. My girls miss him so much it hurts. They jump for joy when he's home. They don't know or understand what is going on. And hopefully, they're not old enough to understand that their father is choosing a physical relationship with her over everything that we built together. But, how do I explain her to them? Daddy's new roommate? She has a son and does childcare out of her home (or will be when she moves). I asked him how he would handle things when he is working. He didn't give me an answer - just a, well, I'm going to try and take a day off kind of crap. I don't want them left alone with her especially the first time. They're used to being with me or with Grandma. They don't even know her. And Miss Priss is extremely shy around strangers. Does he really plan to leave her alone with one? Even if the only other child around is her 2 year old - if the 3 of them are playing and something gets broken or someone gets hurt, who's she going to assume was at fault? Her kid? Yeah, right. I'm a parent - I know that my kids would probably be found guilty.

Also, he wants to just pick them up or meet up halfway or something. And how exactly does he expect me to explain this to them? I can't just wait until he gets here so that we can explain together because I would have to get their stuff together and ready. "You're going to visit Daddy out in Smalltown." "No, Mommy's not going." I'm not going to explain their relationship to my children.

I just don't know what to tell him. I'm not about to deny him access to the girls or, more importantly, I'm not about to deny the girls access to the father that they love no matter how flawed he is. We are all flawed. He is a good father for them, so I have no reason to keep them apart. I just wish that the girls weren't involved. That's the hardest part of this for me.

I wonder how much his parents know. They're eventually going to know it all, but I would really like to be able to talk realistically to his mother. I don't think anything will change with the child care arrangements we have right now. She loves the girls and knows that the best thing for them is consistancy, and that she is part of that. They know about the other woman and that he cheated on me. I don't want them to feel like I'm taking advantage of them and everything they've done for us.

Funny, my parents still don't know a thing. I should really tell them. But, I'm their baby girl, and I know they're going to think the worst of him. And even I can't think the worst of him because at some point I loved him enough to conceive two beautiful children with him. And I want to believe that I wasn't so stupid in my choice of men. The thought of all my family gossiping about me makes me want to throw up. And I have a gossipy family. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know what to think or how to explain anything to anyone. Most importantly though, I want to make sure that no one ever says anything bad about him around the girls. They love him no matter what, and I don't want them to hear things about him from other people.

Monday, February 11, 2008

I'm so excited!

We got our tax return last Friday, and all of my bills are caught up and current! There were a couple that I had gotten behind on in the effort to continue eating - just a month behind, but now I'm completely caught up! Yay!

The bad news is that we are definitely moving forward with our divorce. The woman (if you can call her that - I've got other names I would also substitute) he (don't worry, I've got other names for him too!) was cheating on my with is moving in with him. It's a purely financial and physical thing. Well, that's good to know. I wonder if she knows that. No matter what, it's not my problem. I've got so much more to say on the matter, but it's still rolling around in my head, and I haven't gotten my exercise in for the day, and I refuse to sacrifice something that will help make me more gorgeous than I already am to dwell on him. (see, my ego hasn't suffered a bit - LOL!)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

I'm such a dork!

Tonight was the first time that I joined the book club chat for a message board group I'm a member of. It's a monthly chat, and I've read the books before but never participated in the chat. Now I'm all excited about reading this month's book!

I'm also off a day. I've been a day ahead since Tuesday, so I'm very disappointed I have to go to work tomorrow since I've been thinking it's Friday all day today!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Because You're The Momma!

That's what Miss Priss told me was the reason that everyone had to get out of the car on her side. I told Boo that she needed to go out Miss Priss's door, and Miss Priss said, "Why? Oh, wait, because you're the momma!" LOL

That was almost as good as the "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you," that I got the other day. That just melted my heart!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

So it's not so bad.....

divorce can be cheap if two people are getting along well enough to do it without lawyers. Something for us to consider.

I've been completely Effexor free since Thursday (or well, I'm not taking any anymore). I was dealing with some awful headaches for a few days, but those seem to be going away. Thank goodness since the only thing that seemed to help was Excedrin, but the caffeine level in it was making me jittery and anxious (or maybe that was a withdrawl effect). Either way, I did okay today going without any kind of headache medicine.

I'm really getting tired of the stupid tax return commercials. Maybe that's because I've already done my taxes. LOL

Let's see....other random thoughts for the day.

Oh, as of this morning, I have lost 9 pounds since the new year! Woohoo! :D

I think that's pretty much it. I did read an incredible book, so I'll leave that as a "review" tomorrow.