Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Panic Attack

I haven't had one in sooooo long -- until yesterday. I really freaked out becuase I had forgotten just how awful it is to have one. If you've never had one, consider yourself lucky; I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I fear that one or both of my children will have them. That really scares me.

I was at work yesterday, and I'm not sure what caused it, but all of a sudden, I knew what was happening. I had one a couple of weeks ago at work, but it wasn't bad and I talked myself "down" from it. I couldn't do that yesterday. I completely panicked. Since everyone is different, I will try to explain what it's like for me. For my father (who had them when he was around my age), he would have the muscle tightening in his chest -- feels like a heart attack. I don't get that. I can feel it start in my neck and radiate down my shoulders. It's a pins and needles kind of feeling (adrenaline rush). I feel really hot all of a sudden. Then I throw up. Until my stomach is completely empty. It's an awful feeling.

I realize that it's "all in my head" (I hate that phrase when describing anxiety attacks because my symptoms are manifested physically and are hardly in my head!) in the sense that my brain and mind are causing it and that there's not real reason to panic. But it's hard to stop once the feelings start in.

I went home from work -- freaked my boss out. She wasn't sure if something was wrong with me and the baby. She called my house last night to check on me.

I thought I would be okay once I left. Nope. Then, the fear of having another attack set in, and I had another one because I was afraid of having a panic attack (what a viscious cycle it is!). Trying to go to bed, I had another one -- same reason. My mind is really bad about jumping to horrible thoughts when I'm scared of panic attacks. What if I can't take care of my daughter because I'm having a panic attack? Had another one when my husband left this morning. Poor guy, I'm sure he's worried about me and the baby. But, (knock on wood), I'm doing pretty well today. Maybe getting my daughter to daycare and proving to myself that I can do that and get ready and such was good for me.

Funny thing, though. The baby was going crazy during this whole time, so I didn't have to worry about her at all. Must be all the adrenaline. Hopefully, her system doesn't process it as panic the way mine does.

Monday, September 26, 2005

12 Days

And counting since the pacifier went bye-bye. I'm still very excited and sleeping better!

My nesting instinct has kicked in. I spent about 6 hours Saturday cleaning my house. And I didn't finish nearly what I wanted to. I spent another 3 hours Sunday cleaning out closets and such. My husband wants me to take it easy and not go crazy. Ha! You can't fight instinct.

So, anyway, now I'm tired. Don't tell my husband.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Sorry for the absence.....

I had a doctor's appointment Monday. Baby looks good. Baby's heartbeat was around 147 when she could find it. This baby is a squirmer and doesn't like people messing with her. I gained 5 lbs this month (bringing me to 10 thus far). My blood pressure is good. I'm measuring about 26 weeks (I'm 24 and a few days), but I was measuring at 22 weeks for my 20 week appointment. Overall, things look good.

My daughter was sick yesterday. I do not like getting a call from daycare that I need to come and pick her up. They told me that she was running a fever of 104, but I have my doubts that it was really that high. On our way home, we had to go buy Tylenol. Her fever stayed around 101-102 all through the afternoon. Nothing seemed to phase it. Sometime between her going to bed at 9:00 and my first potty break at about midnight, she cooled down. She was back to normal when I checked on her.

Hurricane Rita looks poised to hit the Texas gulf coast. I have some family in the area, so I hope they are all safe and stay that way.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Day 2

Well, night #2 went exceptionally well. I put her in bed after she started her little radio playing, and I left the room.

No crying.

Waited a few minutes -- still no crying. I was about ready to go in and check on her because there is no way that it could be that easy.

"I want my purple one. I want my purple one! I WANT MY PURPLE ONE!" Ah, there we go. I knew it would start. But that was where it ended. Just a simple statement proclaiming what she wanted. Asleep by 9:15.

You have no idea how excited I am. I can't believe she's doing so well. Now, I don't want to jinx myself because tonight can go very badly, but I think so far, so good.

What I'm really interested to see is what she does with Daddy. I think she'll try to pull the sweet little baby girl eyes with him. Which means that I will have to dispose of any pacifiers beforehand so that even if he wants to give in, he can't. That's not to say that he's going to try and give her one, but I'm going to make sure it's not an option.

I'm so glad that it's Friday. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so we'll see how much weight I've gained and how the little bugger is doing. I love hearing that little heartbeat.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Day 1

Or night 1.

I picked my daughter up from daycare and as soon as she got in the car, she wanted a pacifier. I told her we didn't have any. She did pretty well. On the way home, she started to get a little upset about not having one, so I started to sing the ABCs to distract her (I have a horrible voice, so it is very distracting). She told me, "No ABCs, Mama, no ABCs!" I guess she doesn't like my singing. Therefore, we counted to 10, and I counted to 20. She's got 10 down, so I guess the next set is to count to 20.

She did pretty well throughout the evening. Then, it was bedtime. 8:53. I normally put her down at 9:00 or so. She did get a small (about half) dose of allergy medicine at 8:30. She turned on her music and told me that she wanted her "yellow buddy." No. We don't have any pacifiers. Sorry. I put her in bed and covered her up. She didn't cry. Hmmmm.....she asked for ice water. I went and got her some water. When I left that time, she realized she wasn't getting the beloved pacifier, so then she started crying. I went into the living room to read my book. After 10 minutes, I went in and told her to lie down and that she was fine and didn't need a pacifier. She did lie down. I left, crying commenced; I waited 15 minutes this time because the crying got muffled toward the 10 minute mark, so I knew she was lying down. She told me her nose was running and that she needed a Kleenex. I got her one. I left, crying commenced; I went in after 10 minutes because she had coughed/gagged a couple of times before going completely quiet, and I wanted to make sure that she wasn't choking or anything. She was fine. I left; crying commenced. I waited 15 minutes. I knew she was getting close to going to sleep because her crying wasn't as strong. She was more interested in going to sleep than crying. At 9:50, she stopped crying completely. Having the choking fear again, I went to the door. No noise except for her breathing. Then the phone rang. As she started crying again, I made a mental note to find out who called my parents' house at 10 'til 10, hunt them down, and personally strangle them. Five minutes later, all was quiet again. I tiptoed into her room, stubbed my toe, restrained from muttering a string of expletives (at least until I got out of the room), and peeked in on her. Sound asleep. No pacifier in sight.

So, the next test was the overnight test. She usually wakes up at least once and starts crying when she can't find the damn thing. Fast forward to 2:30 AM. She wakes up. Or I wake up, I assume she hadn't been awake but for a couple of seconds. She is asking for the pacifier. I decide to wait a couple of minutes and see what happens. After about 15 seconds, all is quiet again. I snuck in to check on her, and found her asleep again.

She didn't wake up again.

This morning, so energized by my semi-success last night, I decide to tell her daycare teachers to try and see how she does without it. Give it to her if she asks for it or if she throws a big fit, but see if she'll go without. As I walk into the daycare center, the director catches me. She tells me that she had talked to Nicole (my daughter's teacher). Nicole was surprised to learn that my daughter had a pacifier. That's right: SHE HASN'T USED A PACIFIER SINCE SHE MOVED INTO HER NEW CLASS. Had I known this a month ago when she started in that class, I would have gotten rid of the pacifier then. So, we have now been without a pacifier for approximately 32 hours. We'll see how tonight goes. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I Had To Talk To The Director....

of my daughter's daycare. I didn't want to, but I've let a lot of things go. They gave her back the pacifier against my wishes, she chipped a tooth, and just a couple of weeks ago, she was bitten. Well, my husband told me that things happen, so as long as it doesn't happen again, I shouldn't worry too much. I agreed not to say anything unless something else happened.

Yesterday, I picked her up, and she had a bunch of scratches on her face next to her eye. I asked what happened. "I don't know." My favorite response.

Since I'm pregnant and the hormones make me do things that I normally wouldn't do*, I decided I was talking to the director this time.

This morning, I caught up with her and expressed my concerns. I am not concerned that she was bitten or that she is getting hurt. The scratches look to me like she fell. I don't feel like she is any danger. In fact, I think she has learned a lot in her class. The director was very nice -- listened to my concerns, and I think she understood where I was coming from. I just want some acknowledgement that they knew something happened. I don't care that she was bitten -- it happens, but I do care that they didn't seem to notice, you know?

I also asked her advice on how to transition the precious little one off of the pacifier. She asked when I planned on taking it away from her at home.


We agreed to warn her teachers and take it away for good on Monday (at daycare). It still goes bye-bye at home today.

Why, you ask? What has suddenly steeled my mind to the fact that I can handle a toddler who is waaaaaayyyyy too attached to the pacifier?

Simple. It doesn't work. I got up twice before 3 AM last night to give it back to her. Then, the routine went like this:

3:00 AM: Mammmmmmmaaaaaa, buddy (her nickname for the horrid thing)..........I give it back to her and return to bed.

3:30 AM: I am almost asleep when I have to get up again.

4:00 AM: (can you spot the pattern yet) I am almost asleep when I have to get up again.

I can cut and paste the phrase "I am almost asleep when I have to get up again." over and over again, but the rundown is this, 3:00, 3:30, 4:00, 4:30, 5:00, 5:15, 5:25, 5:35, constantly from 5:45 to 5:55 when I pull her out of bed and put her on the couch and turn on Dora. I "slept" from 6:00 or so until 6:30 when the alarm started going off. I finally got up when she rolled off the couch (oops! Didn't see that one coming!) at about 6:45.

Her nose is stopped up, so she can't suck on the pacifier and breathe at the same time. She's not sure which is more important. I am. Pacifier goes. I still think I'll get as much sleep tonight as last night.

My question is: should I give her some medicine for the stuffy nose, or is that considered drugging her to get her to go to sleep? She really does have the allergies, so I think anything that makes her more comfortable will help her sleep better, right?

*I do not remember feeling this way when I was pregnant with my daughter. I have a bad feeling that this baby is way too much like her father.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Picture Day

Last week, my daughter's daycare sent home a note that they were going to take pictures on Monday. So, yesterday, I got up early, got her dressed up in her pretty dress and put her hair in pigtails. She looked absolutely adorable (and even those who aren't her mother would say so).

Therefore, I was pretty disappointed when I picked her up yesterday and got a note saying that they would be taking pictures this morning. I asked the teacher (someone who had taken over at 4 PM, so she didn't know much) what happened, and she said that they hadn't gotten to my daughter's class.

I was pretty annoyed at this. I mean, what good does it do to get her dressed up and ready if they're not going to get to her class. What kind of professionalism is that? This morning, I brushed her hair out -- it looked good down, but I wasn't going to the trouble of putting it up. I dressed her in the only other picture-worthy outfit we have which consists of long sleeves and pants -- and it's supposed to hit 93 degrees today. I was prepared to beg her teacher to change her into the shorts I brought as well.

So, I went in this morning ready to ask the director what the deal was. Normally, I'm not confrontational and wouldn't say a word, but the hormones are in overdrive, so I'm pushier that my personality usually allows for. I had my whole speech planned out about how I had gotten her ready yesterday and how I wasn't going to order pictures since they were "too busy" to get to my daughter's class yesterday.

Imagine how I felt when the director met me almost at the door and said, "Your daughter was really upset yesterday about having her picture made, and we figured you didn't want a picture of her crying, so would you be able to stay for a few minutes to do it right now?"

Oh, yeah. Sure. No problem.

And she was right. As soon as we got into the room, I thought I was being strangled. Nope, just a death grip as my daughter clung to my neck. It got tighter and tighter as we approached the little table they sit on. I sat her down and sat down next to her, and she immediately started crawling my direction announcing loudly to the two ladies trying to get her arranged, "I sit 'n Mama's lap." Uh, no. Mama's not dressed for pictures.

We got 3 pictures. I bet not a one turns out. The problem is that I do want to get some pictures done for her 2 year old birthday (a month late, but she'll never know that), so I need to take her to JCPenney's. I was thinking this weekend, but I'm hoping she won't act like that. Eek!

But I did make sure she was changed before I left, so at least I know she didn't overheat today!

Monday, September 12, 2005


My daughter has quite a little imagination. Yesterday she was "fixing" my hair. This basically consists of her pulling really hard on my hair (thank goodness I'm not tenderheaded) and asking me over and over again if I want ponytails in my hair. If I reply yes, she starts "parting" my hair. In other words, she digs her little fingernails into my head to simulate the comb. It hurts for her to fix my hair, but she loves to do it, so I let her.

Yesterday, she was in the middle of pulling my hair into ponytails and asked me for a rubber band. She held her hand out for me to put it in. I put a pretend rubber band in her hand and tickled her palm with my fingernails. She laughed and went back to fixing my hair. Then she needed another rubber band. After I'd given her 4 rubber bands, I told her there were no more. If they're pretend, she'll never know when the supply runs out, right? Wrong. She looks around me to the coffee table in front of me, points, and says, "There more, Mama." My pretend stack had run out, but her pretend stack had replenished right in front of me. I love her little imagination.

Baby is doing well. Just 16 weeks, 6 days left until my due date. Wow! She's really moving around a lot. Enjoys kicking my bladder and stomach (simultaneously if she can manage it).

There are so many things I'm curious about this time around. Will she look like my daughter? Will they get along? Will she look more like her daddy? Will she be quiet and shy? Will she be my tall baby (my husband and I are both tall, and my daughter is relatively petite)? Will she be my chunky baby? Surely, she won't be just like her older sister. I can't wait to see her.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Where Were You?

September 11th is upon us yet again. Even in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, there are many shows that will be airing this weekend about that fateful day.

There are not many days in my life that are those "Where were you when you heard.....?" moments. I was young when Challenger exploded. I don't remember. I do remember that I was at my cousin's wedding shower when Columbia exploded. Someone said to turn on the news because the space shuttle had just exploded. How sad that so many didn't even know that a shuttle had launched.

I remember the Oklahoma City bombing. My grandparents live just outside of OK City, so my first thought was for them. I remember hearing about it when I got home from school. There were pictures of people covered in blood and debris. If you ever get the chance to visit the memorial in OK City, go! It is a wonderful tribute. Take a box of Kleenex. There's a room where there are plastic shadow boxes -- one for each person killed. There's a picture as the back wall and then family members (I assume) put things in the boxes as memories. They have Kleenex in there. Good thing. I was balling. It was very sad to see some of the same toys I had bought for my daughter as lasting memories of children killed.

And, of course, I remember September 11th. I was in college, living in the dorm. I was waiting for financial aid to go through before I paid my tuition. On September 10th, I got a letter from the housing office that I was going to be evicted because I hadn't paid my tuition and was going to be dropped from my classes the next day. I knew the last day to pay wasn't the 11th, but I was going to get this straight with housing before they screwed it up. I skipped class that morning to straighten it out. I took a shower and came back into my room and turned on the Today show as usual. When I turned around, they were showing the Pentagon on fire. They said that the World Trade Centers had been hit as well. They showed the footage of the plane slamming into the second tower. How could that not be forever burned into my memory? I went to the business office. It was so quiet. They had TVs showing the news and the footage over and over again. I left and went to work. Between the time I left the business office and got to work, the first building had collapsed. They knew the second one would follow. For days, everyone was glued to the TV.

I can't believe it's been (not quite) 4 years now. What a sad anniversary for so many people.

Thursday, September 08, 2005


it's been a busy week. I know, I say that a lot. I'm just exhausted. The little bugger growing inside me is just taking it out of me. Doesn't she know that I have a 2 year old to contend with as well? Surely she can hear the other little muchkin's voice as well by now (or soon). Who does she think sits on her and demands to read a book?

I had a good holiday weekend. As usual, I didn't do much -- just some cleaning and relaxing and shopping (for groceries -- nothing fun).

Oh, and as far as the mice go, well. Last Wednesday, I bought the traps, 4 of them. I set them out Friday afternoon before heading to my parents house for the night. I checked them again Saturday. There were 3 dead mice. In 3 weeks of no-kill traps, we caught 3 mice (one of which died -- oops!). In one night of killer traps (my idea), 3 dead. Since then, we have caught 3 more. It sickens me to think of the number of mice that must have been taking up residence in my home. But they've become more clever. There must be at least one left who is licking the peanut butter off the traps. I'll get his little butt. It is nice to be able to sit in my living room and be fairly certain that I won't see one running across the floor. That was starting to get on my nerves. Now that the mouse infestation has come (is coming) to an end, I will have to think of much more interesting things to talk about. I should probaby do that anyway.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I'm So Tired.....

I would like to get one full night's sleep. Just one. I don't think that's asking too much, is it?

My sweet little 2-year old woke up at 3:30 because she couldn't find her pacifier. She had one in her mouth, but she didn't have her "yellow one." Yeah, we have gotten to the point where she thinks she needs a specific color pacifier. I am glad that she has learned her colors so well. She's got them all down well. In the morning, she'll tell me that she wants her "yellow milk" not the "blue milk" (boy that sounds gross). I'm glad we have all colors of sippy cups.

So, the pacifier has to go, but here's my predicament. My husband's not quite as on board about the pacifier disappearance as I am. He agrees that she probably doesn't really need it, but he doesn't have the all out hatred for it that I do.

And well, daycare is my other problem. If you recall, after 3 weeks of no pacifier, they gave it back to her during naptime. I will take it away from them this time, but I think the have "extras." I don't know how to stop them from giving her a pacifier which will totally screw up anything I try to do at home. How cruel do I look when everyone else will give her one but I won't?

So, I'll choose a time when my husband is gone and it will have to be a weekend so that I don't have to worry about daycare. So, I think tomorrow night is perfect. I would do it tonight, but I want to wait for daycare, and I'm going to warn them now about it.

I have waited because I value my sleep so much. The first time it went bye-bye, she would wake up in the middle of the night and cry and cry and cry. I can handle the before bed fit she'll throw for at least an hour. And I can handle the naptime stuff. It's the middle of the night stuff. But if she's going to wake me up over and over again, I think it's worth a shot.

The key is daycare. My husband will probably not be too thrilled, but he'll support me because he loves me. And I will have 2 nights already under my belt before he gets home. Daycare is going to have to deal with the fact that she'll probably cry at naptime. I will have my daughter for 3 days taking naps without, but there is a routine with daycare, and she expects to get her pacifier before naptime. That expectation is not going to go away. I could have her home for 3 weeks with no pacifier, but when she goes back to daycare, she's going to expect a pacifier. If I find out they gave her one........well, let's just say that I've endured a lot without complaint, but I will definitely complain that day.