An Award

A Meritorious Service Award, to be precise. And I got it! :D And the best part is the $500 bonus that comes with it! Okay, maybe the recognition is the best part, but the $500 doesn't hurt. LOL

I'm just glad to be in a job that I love and I actually get credit for working my ass off. Last week was sooooo hard because I had to write up all the performance evaluations. July will be hard as well because that's when I have to go over them with my staff, and, well, everyone's went down from last year. In my defense, they were a bit inflated last year. So, between last week and this crazy week, I needed some good news. I'm currently doing my job, part of the job for someone on vacation, and I'm, as of today, taking over the work of one of my employees who is leaving to be a SAHM. Talk about a motivator to find a replacement super-quick!

Follow up

I was about to post about my follow up eye doctor appointment when I realized that I hadn't posted about the first appointment.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the opthalmologist (I probably misspelled that). When I went to the optometrist in March, she saw an area that she found "somewhat concerning" and debated whether or not to send me to the opthalmologist. She finally decided that I had good insurance and it was worth the peace of mind to go ahead and refer me.

So, since she was borderline on whether or not to even send me, I figured it would be an "in and out" appointment and scoffed at the recorded reminder message that said that many appointments can take up to 2 hours. It better not take 2 hours.

So, I got there, checked in and waited. Impatiently (since, of course, I was going home early, right?). Finally, I got called back to the room, they did the usual stuff, dilated my eyes, and I waited. And waited. And finally the fellow came in and looked at my eyes. He explained that I had a couple of spots that were very concerning and that the sometimes did a laser treatment to help such things. Uh-huh. I'm thinking of this as an eventuality - in a few years, I might need it.

Then the doctor comes in and looks at my eyes.

Any conversation that starts, "In most cases, I would recommend watching areas where the retina is thinning....." cannot be good. There's always a "but" coming, and this time was no exception, "but in your case, it has not only thinned, but there is actually a small hole. Even this would not be so concerning except for the fact that you have fluid building up behind the holes." Apparently, this puts me at higher risk for retinal detachment or tears. Yippy. And he recommended the laser treatment right away. Like, that afternoon. So much for "in and out."

I had a laser retinopexy done that very afternoon. That sucked. Apparently my eyes have a mind of their own, so whenever the laser would go off, my eyes would flinch and move. Which made this a super-tedious process for my doctor and a super-long process for me. He was nice enough to claim that it was because I am young and have good reflexes and good hearing, so I was hearing when it was about to go off and blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc. And, I am no longer interested in Lasik because I've decided that laser beams and my eyes do not mesh well together.

I have yet to get the bill which I am very curious about. My insurance covers most of it, but I don't think my part will be cheap. I guess we'll see.

Anyway, I went back yesterday for my follow up. Apparently, my eyes look great and the retinopexy is "holding well." I go back in 6 months unless, of course, I develop symptoms of something serious before then. And he remembered me (even though he sees lots and lots of patients and he's only seen me once). I don't like being a memorable patient, but when he walked in yesterday, he said, "I'm surprised you'll smile at me after the torture I put you through last time." hahahahahahaha.....my doctor is a comedian. All I wanted to hear is that my eyes look great, and I heard that much.

Never would have thought.....

that we would be coming back from practically having the divorced filed, but it seems we have come a long, long way. He has applied for jobs nearby so that he could move back home, and we've been talking sooooo much. I realized that was what was lacking in our marriage before. I wouldn't really tell him if he was doing something that was pissing me off. I'm not sure what I was afraid of, maybe that he would leave, but having seen that I could make it on my own if I had to made me strong enough to realize that I can say what I want to him. What's the worst thing that could happen? We are making remarkable progress, and I actually think our marriage is stronger now than it has been in the past. Strange ways that things work out.

Work has been so busy!

I feel like I'm trying really hard to keep up and I'm exhausted when I get home. Despite that fact though, I am really loving my job since my promotion. I am one of those people who likes to be super-busy, and my job definitely allows for that. Navigating the world of being a supervisor is a little more difficult since it's all new to me, and I went from virtually no supervisory experience to supervising 8 people and probably 9 come fall. Eeeek!

The little ones are doing good. We are now dummy free! Hooray! Last Saturday, we lost the one pacifier we had, so Boo had to go to bed without it. She was really unhappy about it, but she finally fell asleep after I told her that she had to quit crying and I would look for it (and then I retreated and played solitaire on the computer). I gave her the same story the next afternoon at naptime (after I had found the dummy and hidden it), and that night, she didn't even fight it. And she's done great since. She even got rid of it for naptimes at Grandma's house! I knew she was ready. Next big girl task: potty training. But I'm not sure she's really ready for that. She's showing zero interest, and I don't think she knows the feeling and that it means she needs to go to the bathroom yet. She'll get it down - she just turned 2 in December. Miss Priss was about 2 months shy of 3 before she got it all figured out. So, Boo's got a way to go before I get too worried about it. I am, however, looking forward to no longer changing diapers. :)

Another birthday party, another bad day for Mommy.....

Miss Priss is always so excited about going to her friends' birthday parties until we get there. We went to another one this weekend. I thought it was going to go well - when the leader told all the kids to follow her, Miss Priss followed - I was shocked. Until, that is, she came back sobbing. I feel so bad for her. I don't know how to help her get over this anxiety. From what I can tell, she's afraid of large groups of people and of people she doesn't know - this was a large group of people that she mainly didn't know. I can't say much since that is exactly what causes me anxiety, but that's why I want to help her.

But I'm not always sure how to handle a situation myself. I finally got Miss Priss calm enough to get on one of the balance beams (that was 6 inches off the ground), and she was walking along and this other little girl got on the other end and started walking toward Miss Priss. She yelled to her mom (who was sitting and talking to another mother nearby), "Mommy, that little girl is on my balance beam!"
Her mom yelled back, "Well, was she there first?"
"Yeah, but I want to be on this one." Then she glared at Miss Priss. I didn't know a 4 year old could put that much venom in her stare.
"Well, get down since she was there first."
She totally didn't listen (and her mom made no move to make her listen). She came toe to toe (literally) with Miss Priss (who must have sensed that I wasn't about to let her get off the balance beam ). She started to put her arms up to push Miss Priss off (which was not about to happen - I would have pushed that her off first - okay, maybe not, but I would have wanted to), and her Mom came up, grabbed her by the arm and told her to go sit down in time out. She laid down and had this huge temper tantrum (which her mom ignored and went back to talking), but Miss Priss and I continued down the balance beam. I'm not about to tell someone how to parent their child, but their child isn't going to get away with trying to push my child around.

This is why I'm better with blogs than I am with people IRL. Miss Priss' classmates' parents are a group that is especially tough for me. It's one of the only places where I feel like there's this - I don't know what to call it - animosity almost? - between SAHMs and working mothers. Around her classmates' parents, for the most part, I feel like they look down on me for being a working mother which, #1 irritates me to no end (hello?! Can't we all just respect each other's choices for our respective families?) and #2 makes me so uncomfortable and anxious to prove that my child is as happy and well-adjusted as any of them. That probably explains why it makes me so crazy when Miss Priss starts crying at these parties, and my own anxiety probably doesn't help her. I don't want to teach her to avoid situations that make her nervous because I know from experience that she can't do that all her life, but this is one instance where I really don't think I'm the best role model for her.

Funny Conversation

from the backseat on the way home.

Miss Priss: Mommy are we going to our house?
Boo: My house.
Miss Priss: No, it's -
Boo: My house.
Miss Priss: No, we share it.
Boo: Mommy and my house.
Miss Priss: What about me?
Boo: Me and Miss Priss's house.
Miss Priss: And Mommy.
Boo: No.
Miss Priss: If I sell you to the circus (a silly threat that we've always made to Miss Priss), then it will be my house and Mommy's house.
Boo: No, I sell you to the circus.

LOL

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Okay, I just had to get that out (and if I did it sitting here, my neighbors would probably call the police....LOL). People at work are driving me crazy! And I can't even vent on my own blog because I don't want to get fired! But, I can scream. LOL

Serves me right.....

for even thinking (even if not out loud) that I hadn't taken a sick day since last fall. I haven't been to work the past two days since the girls were kind enough to share the cold that they are still trying to get over with me. So, now I'm trying to get over this cold. On the plus side, I've lost 5 pounds in 2 days. Not the diet plan I wanted to be on.

She did pretty well....

better than I expected. She did have a long period of being shy and scared. She didn't want to participate. But in the end, she did well and spent a lot of time running around and playing with her friends. I'd definitely call it an improvement. She is very shy around large groups of people (as is her mommy), so a birthday party that has lots of kids at it as well as lots of adults, and it makes her very nervous. And I think that part of the reason that it bugs me so much is that I'm so self concious of myself in situations like that as well. I don't want to be the parent who has to constantly be at my child's side - I don't want people to think that she can't handle things by herself. What did I do wrong as a parent? All these things go through my mind. So, it's as much my social anxiety as hers. So, I guess we'll see how she does at the next birthday party on the 30th.

Dang it.....

Blogger deleted my post. Basically, Miss Priss is going to a birthday party tomorrow, and since her mother declared her a social phobic at age 3 last time she went to a birthday party, her mother is trying to be better now that she's 4. Her teachers assured me at the parent/teacher conference that she's doing much better this year (raising her hand even!). So, we'll see how the party goes. :D

Why can't people drive in the rain?

It's freezing rain, I know, but what reason is there to drive as fast as possible? It's really annoying. And I'm in an annoyed mood. I'm ready for my girls to come home. They'll be home tomorrow. :D

It's been interesting....

with the girls gone this weekend. I've gotten a lot accomplished - some laundry, cleaned the fish aquarium, shampooed the carpet in my living room (it looks sooooo much better). I went and saw The Other Boleyn Girl today. I was not impressed. I'll post my opinions on that movie tomorrow. Oh, and the best part - I slept until 9:00 AM this morning. 9:00!!!!! I haven't slept that late in ages. And what woke me up? A phone call from the girls. LOL I'll be so glad to have them home. Mike and I have been talking a lot about the future between us and what it will hold. He knows that I won't commit to anything at all until he gets a job here and has moved. I won't commit to him until I know he's making plans and following through in an effort to commit to me.

Oh, come on!

I'm trying to consolidate my student loans. I've been turned down now by two companies (one of them being the company who loaned me the money in the first place) because - this is my favorite - I don't owe enough money. If I had $25,000 or $30,000 in debt, they'd do it. Since my debt is a measly little $21,000, they aren't interested. It's infuriating. Now I'm off to surf the web for someone who will actually consolidate my loans.

Now that's an interesting development.

I got a call from my STBX around lunchtime today. He sounded kind of upset, and he told me that he had two questions for me: Would I be willing to work on our relationship provided he got a job and moved back home and cut off all contact with Smalltown, Texas? and do I still love him in a romantic way?

Am I a horrible person that my first thought was - what kind of game is he playing?

Honestly, this was kind of the moment I've been hoping for for months. I didn't want things to end in divorce, but I was not going to be the little wife sitting at home while he's out carousing. So, now I've got all kinds of things going through my head. Am I willing to try and work it out? And if so, am I doing it for the right reasons? I mean, to really make it work, I would have to do it for me and for what I want - not because of the girls, not for the security that it would provide, not because I don't want to be alone.

I do still love him. Will it work though? I don't know. Does he love me that much? I guess that's what remains to be seen. I would have more faith in him if I saw him actually work toward a reconciliation. I'm not going to do the work on my own. He'll have to search for a job. I won't help. It's a small thing to ask if he truly wants to be with me.

Our relationship would not be the same. I know I've changed (for the better in my opinion), and even he's noticed that. Could he deal with that? I have no desire to go back to being the woman I was when I was with him previously. I'm a little more outspoken about what I want. I have no desire to swallow my anger and just do things myself. Instead, he's going to have to help pull his weight around the house. He got lazy about that, I got resentful, things went downhill. I would want to avoid the things that drove us apart in the past.

God help me, I've gotten my hopes up that he's serious and no just playing me for the fool (again). My head is telling me not to be an idiot. My heart is telling me to give it one more shot - all I lose is a little time before I file the divorce if things don't work out.

I wish their was a clear cut answer. I wish there was a magic way of knowing that I was making the right decision in giving him another chance. I guess a good start would be if he got a job locally and moved back home. I guess that's the jumping off point.

I've started the paperwork....

for my divorce. It's actually easier than I thought (or else I'm doing it wrong). There's a lot that we need to sort out still, but we had a nice long conversation yesterday morning regarding some of the arrangements.

He's been talking to some of his divorced friends because he's suddenly concerned about the financial arrangements. He's afraid that I'm going to take him to the cleaners when it's his mother who's watching the girls and providing all the childcare. Does he honestly think I haven't thought of that? I realize that, but it doesn't mean he doesn't have to provide any support at all for his kids. He suggested $300/month. Which I'm inclined to agree to in some respects (especially considering the child care thing), but that is supposed to pay all of their insurance costs as well. Uh, no. I'm thinking $300 plus the insurance premiums and any medical/dental bills. Which would actually make it $450 or so per month. He would like it if I don't consider his second job income since he doesn't know how long he'll have that. He told me that he's not going to "put himself in a financial hardship" and that I make more money than he does. So, therefore, I have no right to savings? I have money enough to pay my bills (as long as childcare is covered), but I would like to put money away for a house and a new car and for the girls to eventually go to college (not that I'm paying for all of it, but I'd like to help some). I know he's pretty incapable of saving money, so that's going to be up to me. I want to have the life I want rather than getting by as I have been. I agree that he doesn't have to finance my life, but still - they are his children, and he should support them some. As it is, he provides no support - his mother does, but that's her choice. I can't even really talk to his parents about everything because when I asked him how much his parents knew (so that I can don't reveal things he doesn't want them to know), he told me that when everything started, he told them that it's his life and his business. Oh, great. Way to stay on their good side.

And the car. We bought the truck (which I should never have agreed to) in October. We've made 4 payments, so only 68 more to go. He's going to be paying those, but if I can arrange it, he's going to have to refinance it into his name only. I want no liability for it - I'm not going to carry insurance on it (well, I'm still debating that - once it's out of my name, I certainly won't, but until then, I might just to cover my ass in case it gets wrecked - the finance company would want money, if he's at fault, other people might want money - I'd rather an insurance company be responsible for that). So, anyway, when he got the truck, I got the Hyundai which we got in 2004. His parents bought it for us and we signed an agreement that we would pay them back. Which we haven't so far. We actually haven't paid them anything. When we were considering buying the truck and I was hesitant, he told me that if things didn't work out between us, he would take the truck (and refinance it) and I would get the Hyundai and he would assume all debt for it.

So, now the negotiation begins. Now I'm getting to have all the fun of trying to figure this all out and hope he agrees -which means just like any bargaining thing, I'll have to start out higher than I really want or have tradeoffs that I'm willing to take. So there we are. I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

It's been one of those days.

I swear, I feel like I'm getting picked on. I realize this is probably just PMS, but still. At work, I got a couple of snippy emails and a phone call that I wasn't overly friendly (well, actually, in that guy's defense, he was friendly, but he wanted the problem to be resolved, so I can't really be mad at him). And then my STBX (soon-to-be-ex-husband) told me on the phone tonight that he was just asking about my day and I didn't have to be short with him. That just about set me off. So, I think I'm going to go paint my toenails, take a nice hot bath and go to bed. Oh, wait, Project Runway has to figure in there somewhere.

And the plants are already sprouting! I think we're actually going to have flowers! :D

We planted flowers!

The girls and I planted flowers in one of these. We planted Impatiens, Shasta Daisies, 2 different colors of Morning Glories, Bluebonnets (State Flower of Texas), and Zinnias. We'll see what comes up - hopefully a lot and hopefully quickly! Then I'll have to figure out what do with them, but I'm just waiting to see if they actually sprout first.

I'm reading a really great book called Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aron Ralston, the guy whose arm got pinned while he was hiking in a canyon and had to amputate his arm. Very interesting book. I'd recommend it to anyone who likes non-fiction. :)

I don't think he's thought this through....

because if he had, he'd know that moving in with his mistress for "financial reasons" is not a good plan. By lying to me, by leading me on, not smart - he gave up any chance of any reconciliation, and he's going to find out that he's going to be worse off when he starts paying me child support and for the girls' insurance (because that's the standard agreement - a percentage of his income as well as all medical bills and premiums). Since he'll never be able to find any insurance for the girls for cheaper (especially good insurance), it makes sense to leave it under my insurance and he can just pay me for what comes out of my check. But he's not thinking straight. He's consumed with her and with guilt toward me. He keeps asking how I'm doing (apparently, I've seemed kind of "blah" lately. Really? Maybe that's because I don't feel the need to confide in an asshole who can lie to my face. Just a thought. See - I knew that anger/bitterness phase would kick in. I got the book on how to do my own divorce from the library (including the disk which has all the necessary forms on it). I'm willing to do this without lawyers if he's more agreeable to that (which I'm sure he is since it's waaaaaaaaay cheaper). But I'm going to be the one writing it up, so it's going to be what I want (and I like to think I can be fair). Don't worry, though, if he decides to get lawyers involved, my uncle is an attorney, so I have someone I can turn to if it goes that way. I'm getting to the point where I am ready to get this over with. I want it all done and worked out, so that I can start saving my money (which he's leaving alone - it's a joint account). The only thing that remains to be seen is child care for the girls. I am a little worried about it. I like to think that his mom will realize it's what's best for the girls, but still. That's the only thing I'm really worried about. Thank God that I'm at a point in my life where I can pay for things on my own. I don't have a mortgage. I don't live beyond my means. And if worst came to worst, I could even pay for childcare for the girls (the little things like the internet and satellite would have to go, but it could be done).

Okay, let me see...

if I can spit out all the stuff I'm thinking. First, let me tell you what he told me. Or paraphrase. Blah, blah, blah, he loves how easy it is to talk to me, how easy it is to have a intelligent conversation. He loves so many things about me, but there's no chemistry. I agree with the no chemistry part - that part of our relationship admittedly died a long time ago. And I don't want to be second best or what he's settling for. So, from my perspective, this is best.

What I have a problem with is her. I'm not naive. I realize that two people were involved in this affair. I question his morals as much as hers, but only one of them is a parent to my children. They have to be around him. I don't want them around her. And part of that is because of what he told me about her. He seems to have no respect for her or at least doesn't think she's very smart. What does that tell my children? That tells them that men value the 21 year old idiot more than the 27 year old with half a brain (or maybe even more than that LOL). He is their role model. Has he forgotten that? That's my current issue with him.

I understand that financial reasons are driving part of this. And, realistically, since I've done more research on it, I know that he'll be paying me child support at 25% of his income as well as all medical bills associated with them (including the premiums that I pay for their insurance). Plus, he'll also have to get his own car insurance (I'm currently paying for that policy). So, yeah, there are expenses. That's for the two of them to work out. As long as my child support is coming in, it's not my problem.

What I do have a major problem with is that he thinks I'm an idiot. Does he think I really believe that they're going to be roommates for the most part (that's what he told me!)? Seperate rooms? Hello! Do I have stupid written across my forehead? If he's going to live with her, he might as well own up to it.

Anyway, back to the original thing - he wants the girls to come out and visit for a long weekend (Saturday through Tuesday) soon. This is where I have a very, very hard time knowing what to do. My girls miss him so much it hurts. They jump for joy when he's home. They don't know or understand what is going on. And hopefully, they're not old enough to understand that their father is choosing a physical relationship with her over everything that we built together. But, how do I explain her to them? Daddy's new roommate? She has a son and does childcare out of her home (or will be when she moves). I asked him how he would handle things when he is working. He didn't give me an answer - just a, well, I'm going to try and take a day off kind of crap. I don't want them left alone with her especially the first time. They're used to being with me or with Grandma. They don't even know her. And Miss Priss is extremely shy around strangers. Does he really plan to leave her alone with one? Even if the only other child around is her 2 year old - if the 3 of them are playing and something gets broken or someone gets hurt, who's she going to assume was at fault? Her kid? Yeah, right. I'm a parent - I know that my kids would probably be found guilty.

Also, he wants to just pick them up or meet up halfway or something. And how exactly does he expect me to explain this to them? I can't just wait until he gets here so that we can explain together because I would have to get their stuff together and ready. "You're going to visit Daddy out in Smalltown." "No, Mommy's not going." I'm not going to explain their relationship to my children.

I just don't know what to tell him. I'm not about to deny him access to the girls or, more importantly, I'm not about to deny the girls access to the father that they love no matter how flawed he is. We are all flawed. He is a good father for them, so I have no reason to keep them apart. I just wish that the girls weren't involved. That's the hardest part of this for me.

I wonder how much his parents know. They're eventually going to know it all, but I would really like to be able to talk realistically to his mother. I don't think anything will change with the child care arrangements we have right now. She loves the girls and knows that the best thing for them is consistancy, and that she is part of that. They know about the other woman and that he cheated on me. I don't want them to feel like I'm taking advantage of them and everything they've done for us.

Funny, my parents still don't know a thing. I should really tell them. But, I'm their baby girl, and I know they're going to think the worst of him. And even I can't think the worst of him because at some point I loved him enough to conceive two beautiful children with him. And I want to believe that I wasn't so stupid in my choice of men. The thought of all my family gossiping about me makes me want to throw up. And I have a gossipy family. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know what to think or how to explain anything to anyone. Most importantly though, I want to make sure that no one ever says anything bad about him around the girls. They love him no matter what, and I don't want them to hear things about him from other people.

I'm so excited!

We got our tax return last Friday, and all of my bills are caught up and current! There were a couple that I had gotten behind on in the effort to continue eating - just a month behind, but now I'm completely caught up! Yay!

The bad news is that we are definitely moving forward with our divorce. The woman (if you can call her that - I've got other names I would also substitute) he (don't worry, I've got other names for him too!) was cheating on my with is moving in with him. It's a purely financial and physical thing. Well, that's good to know. I wonder if she knows that. No matter what, it's not my problem. I've got so much more to say on the matter, but it's still rolling around in my head, and I haven't gotten my exercise in for the day, and I refuse to sacrifice something that will help make me more gorgeous than I already am to dwell on him. (see, my ego hasn't suffered a bit - LOL!)

I'm such a dork!

Tonight was the first time that I joined the book club chat for a message board group I'm a member of. It's a monthly chat, and I've read the books before but never participated in the chat. Now I'm all excited about reading this month's book!

I'm also off a day. I've been a day ahead since Tuesday, so I'm very disappointed I have to go to work tomorrow since I've been thinking it's Friday all day today!

Because You're The Momma!

That's what Miss Priss told me was the reason that everyone had to get out of the car on her side. I told Boo that she needed to go out Miss Priss's door, and Miss Priss said, "Why? Oh, wait, because you're the momma!" LOL

That was almost as good as the "Mommy, when I grow up, I want to be just like you," that I got the other day. That just melted my heart!

So it's not so bad.....

divorce can be cheap if two people are getting along well enough to do it without lawyers. Something for us to consider.

I've been completely Effexor free since Thursday (or well, I'm not taking any anymore). I was dealing with some awful headaches for a few days, but those seem to be going away. Thank goodness since the only thing that seemed to help was Excedrin, but the caffeine level in it was making me jittery and anxious (or maybe that was a withdrawl effect). Either way, I did okay today going without any kind of headache medicine.

I'm really getting tired of the stupid tax return commercials. Maybe that's because I've already done my taxes. LOL

Let's see....other random thoughts for the day.

Oh, as of this morning, I have lost 9 pounds since the new year! Woohoo! :D

I think that's pretty much it. I did read an incredible book, so I'll leave that as a "review" tomorrow.

Blah

It's expensive to get divorced. Eeek! No wonder people stay "seperated" for a long time. After seeing how expensive it is to get divorced, I'm tempted to give marriage another shot. Just kidding. But this is going to cost a pretty penny. I think that having children involved is the "problem." Custody, visitation, child support - all add to the price. Even for two people who are willing to do this without fighting about it.

Oh, well. It's a blah day.

I think I'm dreading tomorrow. I get to do the "fun" part of being a supervisor. Since I don't want to get fired, I can't talk about it on a blog, so suffice it to say, I get to have a conversation with one of the employees I supervise. Keep you fingers crossed that it all goes well.

I don't know what to think....

Actually, I think I do. I just wish it was different. We talked on our way back from visiting my parents house. We stopped for about an hour. He wants to start investing the "other option." It's weird - like a weight off my shoulders.

So today, he calls to just talk (while I'm at work no less). He tells me he's not sure what to think. We get along well, he enjoys talking to me and hanging out with me, but there's no spark. He's not sure what to do. Well, hello! Does he think I want to be the one he settled for because he didn't know what else to do? He can't decide now that he wants to make it work. I'm tired of being up in the air about this. He's never home, so we're seperated anyway in fact if not in name.

I just want to get out while we're on good terms. We're not fighting; we don't hate each other, so this would be the right time to get divorced in my mind. It would be best for the girls for us to be able to get along, to show up at the same school events without any awkwardness. I know that eventually we'll both move on, and I know that won't go over well no matter what, but he can't control my life. I just don't want things to get ugly. I want things to go well.

Because I needed more stress....

remember that thyroid test my doctor did at my urging (I love my PCP - she's willing to do the test based on my suggestion)? Anyway, since the rest of my family has hypothyriodism, I fully expected to hear back from my doctor that I too have developed this condition. Oh, no. The message on my voicemail was something to to the effect of, "Hey, this such and such nurse from Dr. K's office. We got the blood test results back, and it seems that you thyroid is mildly overactive. We can either wait and retest again in 8 weeks or send you to a specialist. Please call us back and let us know what you want to do. Thanks!" Beep.

For someone who obsessed about all the medical illnesses she does and does not have, what kind of friggin' message is that?!!!! Hello, numbers please. You know I'm going to google it, so you might as well give me the actual numbers before I find out all sorts of crazy, scary things on the internet that started out as "mild hyperthyroidism." So, I'm calling back tomorrow to tell them that I will self-refer (since my insurance gives me that option) to a specialist (if, ahem, they would be so kind as to tell me what kind of specialist to see - please don't make fun of my lack of knowledge). And then I will ask physicians I work with who I trust, hey, yo, who should I go see? And can you pull some strings so I don't have to wait 3 years to see them?

So, I'm going to assume that www.webmd.com was correct when things like caffeine and stress (who's stressed?) can make the problem worse. What about obsessing over blood pressure that goes down at the doctor's office? Does that count as stress?

This will probably be a bit disjointed....

I think my marriage is coming to an end. I hate that. I feel like such a failure (as if it's entirely my fault). I just keep thinking, what did I do wrong that so many other people get right? Every time I think things are getting better, they don't seem to progress. My husband talks a big game, but his actions don't follow suit.

What's really sad is that I don't feel completely heartbroken. Maybe I've already done my grieving and never really thought it would work out after he cheated. I don't know. I feel more....embarrassed. Like I can't tell anyone. I haven't even told my parents anything. I don't know what I think will happen. It's really no one's business except his and mine, but I don't really want people to think badly of him. Or maybe it's more, I don't want people to speak badly of him because my girls don't know or understand what's going on.

That's my other worry. I don't want them to be the children of a broken home. All the statistics say that puts them at a disadvantage. Of course, statistics are what happens on average. We wouldn't be the average divorced couple (or at least I don't think so). I think we would get along pretty well. We both love the girls and would go to great lengths to make sure they're protected and always know how much they're loved. And wouldn't it be better anyway for them to see their parents in true functioning loving relationships even if it's not with each other? Wouldn't that be the good example to set?

I think it's a sign of how bad things have gotten that my fears are not about being alone or being single or "losing" him. It's how to make all the day-to-day stuff work out and how to do what's best for my children. Or maybe I know I've already "lost" him and I'm past that and working toward how to take care of myself.

He doesn't say "I love you," when he finishes our phone conversations any more. Just bye. Maybe I'm supposed to be the one to say it, but still. It's weird. I think we both know that we aren't going to make it long term, but neither of us wants to be the one to quit on our marriage. It's strange, and I feel confused and kind of sad and angry, but not much. I just don't feel much of anything.

I wish I would have a peaceful feeling that I'm making the right decision if I end it. I know eventually I would know that it was right, but going into it, I don't know and I don't know what to do.

My poor baby....

My littlest princess is sick. I hate when kids are sick. I love the cuddling, but I don't want them to be in pain or hurting (or running a fever). At least she likes the taste of medicine. Of course, I better make sure it's out of her reach. I don't want to test the "child proof" cap. LOL

I'm off to a good start on my reading this year. I've finished 7 books and I will probably finish another one tonight. If you have any good recommendations, please feel free to share! :)

My First Staff Meeting

I presided over my first staff meeting today as boss. Kind of weird, but it worked. Told about some policies that are not going to be very popular, but they'll get over it.



And one for the "from the mouths of babes" file:

Last night as we were getting out of the car, Boo told me, "Look, Mama!" as she was holding up her finger. Since she has been in a I-have-a-cut-and-need-a-bandaid mood recently, I assumed I was supposed to look at a non-existant cut. So, when I asked, "What, Boo?" she replied, "I got booger from my nose." Ah, the joys of being a parent.

My Doctor's Appointment

After keeping very careful records of my blood pressure (which remains high), I went to the doctor this afternoon. And, of course, I forgot the page where I'd written them down.

So, the nurse took my blood pressure. 118/72. Of course. Because why would my blood pressure be as high as usual when I go to see the doctor about it. I was so surprised, and I hope I didn't offend her with my surprise, that she took it again in the other arm. 122/74 (must have been up from how surprised I was). Either way, it was a far cry from the 160/101 reading that I got yesterday at work. Hmmm.....

Either way, my doctor and I agreed that it is best that I stop taking Effexor (not cold turkey, obviously). She gave me samples to wean me off of it and hopefully, my blood pressure goes down with it. If not, I'm declaring that the damn machine at Walmart is really messed up! Anyway, she's checking my thyroid as well. We'll see if that is doing anything strange.

129/73

That's a very good thing to see (especially when shopping with two children who stayed up too late, got up too early and haven't quit whining all day, but I'm not griping or anything).

Hubby and I have been talking a lot and we had a very long discussion on Christmas Eve about our future together (or if there is one). Heaven help me, but I love the man even with all his faults. I think he's still thinking that he got off too easy and that I'm still waiting to drop the bomb on him. And I'm not sure how to convince him that I'm not going to divorce him (wouldn't I have done that already if I was going to?). He's still mired down in a lot of guilt and seems to think I deserve better, so he doesn't want to hold me back from this ideal life he thinks I could lead without him. Personally, I want a life with him. I want him to come home and to build our life together. He's gone so much. I don't think he's cheating on me; I think he's depressed, and he can't seem to see it. I've updated his resume for him (at his request - his only computer access is through a work computer, and he is hesitant to search for a new job while working at his current job). And I'll probably do his applications for him as well. I'm still trying to be positive. I just wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling. He still opens up to me, so I guess I have to trust that what he's telling me is true. He mentioned something last night about seeing what our options are as far as home loans. With our bad credit, probably not much, but maybe an FHA loan or something. A small part of me is hesitant, but mostly, I think this is a step in the right direction. I hope I'm not making a big mistake.

Looks like I'm headed to the doctor.....

A couple of weeks ago, while shopping at Walmart, I tried the little blood pressure machine thing. And it said my blood pressure was 137/86. A little higher than I would like. I think the machine said that was "pre-hypertensive." And last night, same Walmart, I tried it again. 143/93. "Hypertensive." Hmmm. So, to make sure my local Walmart had a working machine, at work today, I walked over the clinic (I work in a cardiology office) and had one of the nurses take my blood pressure. 150/101. Not good at all. So, I got back to my desk and called to make an appointment with my doctor. (And I went back to Walmart again tonight - 145/94).

I'm guess (or maybe just hoping and praying) that this blood pressure issue is because of the Effexor that I take. I knew that high blood pressure was a possible side effect when I started taking it. Which means, of course, that it's time to stop taking Effexor (don't worry, I'm not stopping cold turkey or without seeing my doctor). She and I will come up with a plan.

Here's my plan:
Reduce dose of Effexor down to 0. (I will probably keep getting my BP checked by one of the nurses at work to see what it does as my dose goes down). Continue diet and exercise. I'm doing good so far. Not as much exercise as I should be getting, but I'm working on it, and I was so proud of my grocery cart full of health food at Walmart yesterday! Between the two of those, I assume that my blood pressure will return to the "normal" range. I don't want to even think about if it doesn't. I'm a little young to have a blood pressure problem. So, I assume I'll be getting some bloodwork done (I have a feeling that my cholesterol is elevated too since that's also a possible side effect). So, I think I'll have her check my thyroid while we're writing orders to the lab.

If you want to see genetic in action, you can look at me and my family. Anxiety and depression? Check - right on down through my dad's side of the family to me. Heart problems? Check - bouncing off of every branch of the family tree. Hypothyroidism? Check - very much in my mother's family tree. Grandma, my aunt, my mom - all in their late 20s. Hmmmm.....guess what one "consequence" of hypothyroidism is.........can you guess? Hypertension. Wow. I swear, if I have hypothyroidism, I want to know why all the bad genes came to me!

So, since I will be stopping my current anti-depressant, that leaves, of course, the question of how to handle my depression problem. And I'm not sure actually. I seem to have an issue with every anti-depressant I've tried. Zoloft? Hives. Celexa? Very, very depressed. Paxil? Weight gain. Effexor? High blood pressure (look at me make that diagnosis like it's set in stone!). So I think I'll go back to nothing and hope that exercise has a positive effect on my moods. And I'll try to pay attention to the warning signs of depression (I get very sleepy and don't want to do anything at all).

I'll be going this week until Friday to the clinic to keep getting my BP checked. I don't have any hope at all that it's going to go down, but at least I have some reading to take to my doctor so she doesn't think it's all in my head.

My silly girl....

When we got home today, we saw that Mushu (our kitty) had ever so kindly unrolled a ball of yarn on the living room floor. Boo immediately started yelling, "No, no! Bad kitty!" at her. When we discovered the fish food all over the floor in the kitchen (Mushu was on a real destructive streak today), Boo said, "No, no! Timeout!"

2008 New Year's Resolutions

This is liable to be a long list. LOL

1. Get in shape and lose some weight.

• Use the exercise bike at least 4 times a week for 30 minutes.
• Use the toning DVD I just bought at least 3 times a week.
• Follow the points system stuff Mom gave me to eat better.

At this point, based on yesterday's weight, I would like to lose 31 pounds total (goal weight: 145). Again, based on my weight yesterday, my current BMI is 26.0. At my goal weight, my BMI would be 21.4 - smack dab in the middle of normal (and healthy!). Hopefully, my blood pressure will go down as well. I certainly hope so. I think my Effexor is causing it to be a little higher than I would like. Since it's working very well for me, I'm hoping a little diet and exercise will fix the blood pressure problem. As much as I hate to say it, I'm going to have to start cooking my own food and starting from scratch (well, maybe not scratch, but closer to it). Sadly, many of the boxed food that I tend to eat are high in sodium (probably contributing to that blood pressure problem as well), so to avoid that, I'm planning on looking for low sodium recipes. Since we will no longer be getting free food at work for lunch, I will have to take my lunch, and therefore, I can make food on the weekends to take during the week (or at least plan if I'm going to have a sandwich or something). I see a lot of salads and soups and vegetables in my future. Maybe I'll learn how to use my crock pot as well. I need to go shopping very badly (and alone - kids just make me want to rush through my shopping).

2. Make all those appointments I don't want to. Well, okay, there's just one that I'm avoiding - the dentist. I haven't been to the dentist since June 2002, so it's been a while. I know I need to go, and my in-laws have even recommended their dentist (whose name I can't remember now). I need to bite the bullet and go. I just know that it's going to get expensive to fill all the cavities that I'm sure I have. But they're not going to go away on their own, so I should go now before they start getting worse (or maybe I'll luck out and there won't be any of them). Either way, I need to set a good example for my girls and take care of myself. And therefore, I should probably make appointments for them as well (or at least for Miss Priss). What age do children start going to the dentist? I know Miss Priss is old enough, but does Boo need to go? I can just see the dentist looking at her teeth and telling me to start saving my money for orthodontics. I do need to make an appointment with my optometrist (I think in February so that I can catch tax return and get extra contacts and maybe even glasses), and I'm due for my yearly check with my PCP in March. Other than that, it's just the dentist.

3. Get all bills caught up. Almost all of them are, and none are really far behind (just one month), and I think once our tax return comes in, we will be able to catch up the others - there are only 2 totalling around $400. I think it's a good thing to spend the money on. Other than that, my money plans include putting money into savings every month (I'm thinking at least $50 in savings each month). I think making my own meals will help here - I will be paying more for groceries, but I will be paying less by eating out.

4. Last year I read 146 books. This year, I think I can make 156. That is 13 books per month, and I think I can do that. I would also like to read at least 2 non-fiction books a month. I know that can easily be accomplished, and then I would feel like I'm still somewhat intelligent.

5. The kids. Since I don't see them for very long on weekdays, I want to make sure that I spend that time with them (which means late dinners - hmmmm). On the weekends, I want to start planning activities and going places and seeing things. When did museums get to be so expensive? Not sure what I'm going to do - as the weather gets nicer, at least we can go to the park and stuff like that. But I don't think the weather will get nice for a couple months, so I will have to do some research into some things we can do around here that are inside activities.

6. The apartment. Oh, it needs some cleaning. I don't want to have a "Closet of Doom." I want to have a clean, organized place to live. I don't think that's too much to ask. I think it's time to get rid of some baby stuff that I've been saving too long. Not sure how I'm going to manage to do that, but it has to be done. It's just taking up room, and I don't see a baby anywhere in my near future if it's in the future at all.

I think that's about it. I might think of more in the next few days to add, but those are the main ones. Have a safe, happy, and prosperous 2008!