Worst Mother Ever

God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Gaiman and Pratchett's "Good Omens"

I am trying to keep things in perspective. I am having a bad day. My bad day actually started at 11:30 last night. That was when my daughter woke up. Let me see if I can break this down so that it won't be a very long (not likely, this will get long) disjointed post.

Issue #1: Pacifier
I just can't let this one go. I don't know why. Yesterday, I picked my daughter up at daycare, and the afternoon girl casually tells me that my daughter was screaming and crying for her dummy at nap, so they gave it to her. THEY GAVE IT TO HER!!! I tried extremely hard to remain calm (after all, it was not this girl who gave it to her, but the other one who is there during naptime). But it was hard to remain calm. I took my daughter and left more quickly than usual. I was pissed. Who are they to be giving her back the pacifier after 3 weeks of her not having it? So, I tried to be realistic. They have a classroom full of kids (okay, 8 kids if all of them are there on any given day, not exactly a classroom full, but I digress) that they have to think of as well. One screaming child will definitely keep all of them up. So, I asked myself why it was so important for her not to have a pacifier (so that I could calmly explain to them the next morning why I was taking her pacifier and burning it in the parking lot so that they could never find it again respectfully requesting that they give it to me for burning safekeeping). And, you know what? I couldn’t think of a good reason. Not one. My entire obsession with getting rid of the pacifier has no basis at all. Or at least not one that I could justify with anything more than “I’ve read that children don’t need the pacifier after 1 year old. At that point it is strictly for the benefit of the parents.” So. I have based my entire obsession to rid my daughter of her pacifier on my unrealistic expectations for her. So, either I am a bad mother for taking away my daughter’s only comfort item to which she has grown attached or I am a bad mother for letting her keep something for my benefit. So, I drove home trying to decide whether or not I should just give it back to her. I can’t really fight daycare on the issue, now, can I? What good would it do me to take it away from her at home if they give it to her at daycare. This would be an easier decision for me if, after 3 weeks, she didn’t still want it so much. She still screams and cries for at least 30 minutes going to bed wanting the pacifier, and I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since I took it away from her 3 weeks ago because she wakes up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep without it (please keep reading for issue #2). So, I decided she can have it back. And I decided not to feel bad about that decision. And, then I quickly had to rethink my decision and try to evaluate whether or not it was really worth it to give it back to her. I mean, I will have to take it away from her eventually. I don’t want to be the woman in Walmart with a 4 year old who is so cute but would be even cuter if she would just get the pacifier out of her mouth. So, I decided to be the bad mother because I let her keep something for my benefit (read: sleep). And add to that, I am a bad mother because I withheld it for 3 weeks, then gave in (so much for consistent parenting), and I will eventually take it away again (at a point when I can rationally explain to her where she can understand that big girls don’t use pacifiers). So, there.

Issue #2: Sleeping
As I just mentioned, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in 3 weeks. My daughter wakes up and can’t manage to put herself back to sleep. Perhaps this is because I give into her and won’t let her cry it out all night. I do better. I let her cry until I can’t stand it anymore, stomp my way to her room (which usually quiets her down because she knows I’m coming), and tell her in no uncertain words to lie down and go to sleep. And she flops down into her bed. I give her Pooh Bear and cover her up. And as soon as I start to turn around, the crying starts again. In the last 3 weeks, I have slept on the couch a number of times with a baby in my arms thrashing around trying to get comfortable. Or, even better, my husband tells me, “Just bring her in here with us.” Oh, yeah. There are no words that I hate to hear more. Seriously. I mean, we kicked her out of our bed taught her to sleep in her own bed because she (like her mommy) tosses and turns in her sleep all night. So the just bring her in here with us means I am doomed to a night of feet, knees, elbows and hands poking into my back all night. As you can imagine, I don’t get much sleep. Parenting mistakes: Consistency (or definite lack thereof).

So, I gave in. I gave her back the pacifier. And when she woke up at 11:30 last night clutching the pacifier and crying her eyes out, I brought her in to sleep in our bed. So, being the horrible mother that I am, we have reintroduced something that she doesn’t really need (as evidenced by the fact that she doesn’t actually even put it in her mouth!) and she now thinks that she is supposed to sleep in either our bed or with me on the couch watching TV in the living room. I feel like the worst mother ever. Tomorrow, I’ll tell you why my pets hate me, too.