Disappointment

The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you're really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes. Because only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain.
Richard M. Nixon (1913 - 1994)


Well, the disappointing results were that I am not pregnant. My period started Saturday (28 day cycle -- very unusual for me). What's funny is that I wasn't really as disappointed as I thought that I would be. Must have been those PMS hormones making me crazy.

Instead, I got the hormone kick that I get around this time every month that I call the change-the-world hormones. Fortunately, these only last a few days. It's like making New Year's Resolutions once a month.

This month's resolutions:
1) Play with my daughter more. I don't know if I spend enough time just sitting and playing with her. It would certainly make me feel less guilty about all of those times when I get so impatient with her.

2) Get moving on my application process for nursing school. That would be a real disappointment to miss a deadline because I'm too busy feeling sorry for myself.

3) Lose some weight. Ugh! This is the one that I don't want to think about. Before my daughter was born, I was in the process of losing weight (funny how it got much easier after I started throwing up everything I was eating). My pre-pregnancy weight: 168. I gained about 15 pounds with my daughter putting me at 183. For some reason, I couldn't stop eating like I was pregnant and instead of losing weight after she was born (and while I was breast-feeding), I kept gaining. I peaked out at 189. Right now, (well, Saturday morning before I had anything to eat or drink -- the best time to weigh oneself in my opinion) I was 172. Not bad. I have been hovering around the 176 mark. My goal is 140. I am 5'9", and judging from past experience, that seems to be the weight that looks best on me (meaning I'm not carrying extra pounds, but I don't look like I came out of a concentration camp). So, here I am. Started at 189. Down to 172. Only 30 more pounds to go. What's I wonder is whether or not I will start getting that concentration camp look before I get to the goal of 140. I haven't been at that kind of weight since my daughter was born. I have some jeans that I was looking at the other day. They are size 9. I'm realistic enough to realize that I will never fit in these jeans again even if I lose 100 pounds. My hips will just be too big. Right now, I can wear the size 11. Granted, they don't look very good on me (yet!), but I would like for them to fit just a little bit looser. I will be happy to get down to pre-pregnancy weight.

Anyway, that is how I'm feeling today. I feel stupid for letting myself be convinced I was pregnant. I guess I just want to be so badly. There are many things that I want in my life, but I want another baby. I'm only 24 and my biological clock is ticking! I don't know what it is. Probably because I'm afraid of the other things that I need to do first.

I know that I need to get back into school and pursue the LVN that I have been wanting to do since my daughter was born. I guess I'm scared of screwing that up.

I'm scared to quit a job that I love to move where I won't have a job, and there aren't many jobs to be had.

My daughter is one of the things in my life that I have done right. The timing wasn't perfect, but she is truly here to get me back on track. I think I'm starting to lose focus again, and something in my mind knows that would refocus me. Does that make sense? Not really. I don't know.

I need to get things going with school. After I'm done with that, then we'll worry about another baby. I guess I just wanted my children to be close in age, and the more that we put it off, the farther apart they will be. Right now, if we wait until I finish school and then start trying, at the earliest, my daughter will be almost 4. That's really not bad. I wanted them a couple of years apart, but that just isn't feasible. And it will be much easier if I wait until my daughter's older. She can help. I have a feeling that I will have to teach her not to help so much. :) And another good thing is that I won't have to pay so much for daycare. My daughter would only be about a year away from kindergarten. Listen to me planning kindergarten for a child that isn't even 2. I'm so glad this day is almost over. I need to go home. My head is pounding. I hope that I have some Tylenol in my purse.