Blah

It's expensive to get divorced. Eeek! No wonder people stay "seperated" for a long time. After seeing how expensive it is to get divorced, I'm tempted to give marriage another shot. Just kidding. But this is going to cost a pretty penny. I think that having children involved is the "problem." Custody, visitation, child support - all add to the price. Even for two people who are willing to do this without fighting about it.

Oh, well. It's a blah day.

I think I'm dreading tomorrow. I get to do the "fun" part of being a supervisor. Since I don't want to get fired, I can't talk about it on a blog, so suffice it to say, I get to have a conversation with one of the employees I supervise. Keep you fingers crossed that it all goes well.

I don't know what to think....

Actually, I think I do. I just wish it was different. We talked on our way back from visiting my parents house. We stopped for about an hour. He wants to start investing the "other option." It's weird - like a weight off my shoulders.

So today, he calls to just talk (while I'm at work no less). He tells me he's not sure what to think. We get along well, he enjoys talking to me and hanging out with me, but there's no spark. He's not sure what to do. Well, hello! Does he think I want to be the one he settled for because he didn't know what else to do? He can't decide now that he wants to make it work. I'm tired of being up in the air about this. He's never home, so we're seperated anyway in fact if not in name.

I just want to get out while we're on good terms. We're not fighting; we don't hate each other, so this would be the right time to get divorced in my mind. It would be best for the girls for us to be able to get along, to show up at the same school events without any awkwardness. I know that eventually we'll both move on, and I know that won't go over well no matter what, but he can't control my life. I just don't want things to get ugly. I want things to go well.

Because I needed more stress....

remember that thyroid test my doctor did at my urging (I love my PCP - she's willing to do the test based on my suggestion)? Anyway, since the rest of my family has hypothyriodism, I fully expected to hear back from my doctor that I too have developed this condition. Oh, no. The message on my voicemail was something to to the effect of, "Hey, this such and such nurse from Dr. K's office. We got the blood test results back, and it seems that you thyroid is mildly overactive. We can either wait and retest again in 8 weeks or send you to a specialist. Please call us back and let us know what you want to do. Thanks!" Beep.

For someone who obsessed about all the medical illnesses she does and does not have, what kind of friggin' message is that?!!!! Hello, numbers please. You know I'm going to google it, so you might as well give me the actual numbers before I find out all sorts of crazy, scary things on the internet that started out as "mild hyperthyroidism." So, I'm calling back tomorrow to tell them that I will self-refer (since my insurance gives me that option) to a specialist (if, ahem, they would be so kind as to tell me what kind of specialist to see - please don't make fun of my lack of knowledge). And then I will ask physicians I work with who I trust, hey, yo, who should I go see? And can you pull some strings so I don't have to wait 3 years to see them?

So, I'm going to assume that www.webmd.com was correct when things like caffeine and stress (who's stressed?) can make the problem worse. What about obsessing over blood pressure that goes down at the doctor's office? Does that count as stress?

This will probably be a bit disjointed....

I think my marriage is coming to an end. I hate that. I feel like such a failure (as if it's entirely my fault). I just keep thinking, what did I do wrong that so many other people get right? Every time I think things are getting better, they don't seem to progress. My husband talks a big game, but his actions don't follow suit.

What's really sad is that I don't feel completely heartbroken. Maybe I've already done my grieving and never really thought it would work out after he cheated. I don't know. I feel more....embarrassed. Like I can't tell anyone. I haven't even told my parents anything. I don't know what I think will happen. It's really no one's business except his and mine, but I don't really want people to think badly of him. Or maybe it's more, I don't want people to speak badly of him because my girls don't know or understand what's going on.

That's my other worry. I don't want them to be the children of a broken home. All the statistics say that puts them at a disadvantage. Of course, statistics are what happens on average. We wouldn't be the average divorced couple (or at least I don't think so). I think we would get along pretty well. We both love the girls and would go to great lengths to make sure they're protected and always know how much they're loved. And wouldn't it be better anyway for them to see their parents in true functioning loving relationships even if it's not with each other? Wouldn't that be the good example to set?

I think it's a sign of how bad things have gotten that my fears are not about being alone or being single or "losing" him. It's how to make all the day-to-day stuff work out and how to do what's best for my children. Or maybe I know I've already "lost" him and I'm past that and working toward how to take care of myself.

He doesn't say "I love you," when he finishes our phone conversations any more. Just bye. Maybe I'm supposed to be the one to say it, but still. It's weird. I think we both know that we aren't going to make it long term, but neither of us wants to be the one to quit on our marriage. It's strange, and I feel confused and kind of sad and angry, but not much. I just don't feel much of anything.

I wish I would have a peaceful feeling that I'm making the right decision if I end it. I know eventually I would know that it was right, but going into it, I don't know and I don't know what to do.

My poor baby....

My littlest princess is sick. I hate when kids are sick. I love the cuddling, but I don't want them to be in pain or hurting (or running a fever). At least she likes the taste of medicine. Of course, I better make sure it's out of her reach. I don't want to test the "child proof" cap. LOL

I'm off to a good start on my reading this year. I've finished 7 books and I will probably finish another one tonight. If you have any good recommendations, please feel free to share! :)

My First Staff Meeting

I presided over my first staff meeting today as boss. Kind of weird, but it worked. Told about some policies that are not going to be very popular, but they'll get over it.



And one for the "from the mouths of babes" file:

Last night as we were getting out of the car, Boo told me, "Look, Mama!" as she was holding up her finger. Since she has been in a I-have-a-cut-and-need-a-bandaid mood recently, I assumed I was supposed to look at a non-existant cut. So, when I asked, "What, Boo?" she replied, "I got booger from my nose." Ah, the joys of being a parent.

My Doctor's Appointment

After keeping very careful records of my blood pressure (which remains high), I went to the doctor this afternoon. And, of course, I forgot the page where I'd written them down.

So, the nurse took my blood pressure. 118/72. Of course. Because why would my blood pressure be as high as usual when I go to see the doctor about it. I was so surprised, and I hope I didn't offend her with my surprise, that she took it again in the other arm. 122/74 (must have been up from how surprised I was). Either way, it was a far cry from the 160/101 reading that I got yesterday at work. Hmmm.....

Either way, my doctor and I agreed that it is best that I stop taking Effexor (not cold turkey, obviously). She gave me samples to wean me off of it and hopefully, my blood pressure goes down with it. If not, I'm declaring that the damn machine at Walmart is really messed up! Anyway, she's checking my thyroid as well. We'll see if that is doing anything strange.

129/73

That's a very good thing to see (especially when shopping with two children who stayed up too late, got up too early and haven't quit whining all day, but I'm not griping or anything).

Hubby and I have been talking a lot and we had a very long discussion on Christmas Eve about our future together (or if there is one). Heaven help me, but I love the man even with all his faults. I think he's still thinking that he got off too easy and that I'm still waiting to drop the bomb on him. And I'm not sure how to convince him that I'm not going to divorce him (wouldn't I have done that already if I was going to?). He's still mired down in a lot of guilt and seems to think I deserve better, so he doesn't want to hold me back from this ideal life he thinks I could lead without him. Personally, I want a life with him. I want him to come home and to build our life together. He's gone so much. I don't think he's cheating on me; I think he's depressed, and he can't seem to see it. I've updated his resume for him (at his request - his only computer access is through a work computer, and he is hesitant to search for a new job while working at his current job). And I'll probably do his applications for him as well. I'm still trying to be positive. I just wish I knew what he was thinking and feeling. He still opens up to me, so I guess I have to trust that what he's telling me is true. He mentioned something last night about seeing what our options are as far as home loans. With our bad credit, probably not much, but maybe an FHA loan or something. A small part of me is hesitant, but mostly, I think this is a step in the right direction. I hope I'm not making a big mistake.

Looks like I'm headed to the doctor.....

A couple of weeks ago, while shopping at Walmart, I tried the little blood pressure machine thing. And it said my blood pressure was 137/86. A little higher than I would like. I think the machine said that was "pre-hypertensive." And last night, same Walmart, I tried it again. 143/93. "Hypertensive." Hmmm. So, to make sure my local Walmart had a working machine, at work today, I walked over the clinic (I work in a cardiology office) and had one of the nurses take my blood pressure. 150/101. Not good at all. So, I got back to my desk and called to make an appointment with my doctor. (And I went back to Walmart again tonight - 145/94).

I'm guess (or maybe just hoping and praying) that this blood pressure issue is because of the Effexor that I take. I knew that high blood pressure was a possible side effect when I started taking it. Which means, of course, that it's time to stop taking Effexor (don't worry, I'm not stopping cold turkey or without seeing my doctor). She and I will come up with a plan.

Here's my plan:
Reduce dose of Effexor down to 0. (I will probably keep getting my BP checked by one of the nurses at work to see what it does as my dose goes down). Continue diet and exercise. I'm doing good so far. Not as much exercise as I should be getting, but I'm working on it, and I was so proud of my grocery cart full of health food at Walmart yesterday! Between the two of those, I assume that my blood pressure will return to the "normal" range. I don't want to even think about if it doesn't. I'm a little young to have a blood pressure problem. So, I assume I'll be getting some bloodwork done (I have a feeling that my cholesterol is elevated too since that's also a possible side effect). So, I think I'll have her check my thyroid while we're writing orders to the lab.

If you want to see genetic in action, you can look at me and my family. Anxiety and depression? Check - right on down through my dad's side of the family to me. Heart problems? Check - bouncing off of every branch of the family tree. Hypothyroidism? Check - very much in my mother's family tree. Grandma, my aunt, my mom - all in their late 20s. Hmmmm.....guess what one "consequence" of hypothyroidism is.........can you guess? Hypertension. Wow. I swear, if I have hypothyroidism, I want to know why all the bad genes came to me!

So, since I will be stopping my current anti-depressant, that leaves, of course, the question of how to handle my depression problem. And I'm not sure actually. I seem to have an issue with every anti-depressant I've tried. Zoloft? Hives. Celexa? Very, very depressed. Paxil? Weight gain. Effexor? High blood pressure (look at me make that diagnosis like it's set in stone!). So I think I'll go back to nothing and hope that exercise has a positive effect on my moods. And I'll try to pay attention to the warning signs of depression (I get very sleepy and don't want to do anything at all).

I'll be going this week until Friday to the clinic to keep getting my BP checked. I don't have any hope at all that it's going to go down, but at least I have some reading to take to my doctor so she doesn't think it's all in my head.

My silly girl....

When we got home today, we saw that Mushu (our kitty) had ever so kindly unrolled a ball of yarn on the living room floor. Boo immediately started yelling, "No, no! Bad kitty!" at her. When we discovered the fish food all over the floor in the kitchen (Mushu was on a real destructive streak today), Boo said, "No, no! Timeout!"

2008 New Year's Resolutions

This is liable to be a long list. LOL

1. Get in shape and lose some weight.

• Use the exercise bike at least 4 times a week for 30 minutes.
• Use the toning DVD I just bought at least 3 times a week.
• Follow the points system stuff Mom gave me to eat better.

At this point, based on yesterday's weight, I would like to lose 31 pounds total (goal weight: 145). Again, based on my weight yesterday, my current BMI is 26.0. At my goal weight, my BMI would be 21.4 - smack dab in the middle of normal (and healthy!). Hopefully, my blood pressure will go down as well. I certainly hope so. I think my Effexor is causing it to be a little higher than I would like. Since it's working very well for me, I'm hoping a little diet and exercise will fix the blood pressure problem. As much as I hate to say it, I'm going to have to start cooking my own food and starting from scratch (well, maybe not scratch, but closer to it). Sadly, many of the boxed food that I tend to eat are high in sodium (probably contributing to that blood pressure problem as well), so to avoid that, I'm planning on looking for low sodium recipes. Since we will no longer be getting free food at work for lunch, I will have to take my lunch, and therefore, I can make food on the weekends to take during the week (or at least plan if I'm going to have a sandwich or something). I see a lot of salads and soups and vegetables in my future. Maybe I'll learn how to use my crock pot as well. I need to go shopping very badly (and alone - kids just make me want to rush through my shopping).

2. Make all those appointments I don't want to. Well, okay, there's just one that I'm avoiding - the dentist. I haven't been to the dentist since June 2002, so it's been a while. I know I need to go, and my in-laws have even recommended their dentist (whose name I can't remember now). I need to bite the bullet and go. I just know that it's going to get expensive to fill all the cavities that I'm sure I have. But they're not going to go away on their own, so I should go now before they start getting worse (or maybe I'll luck out and there won't be any of them). Either way, I need to set a good example for my girls and take care of myself. And therefore, I should probably make appointments for them as well (or at least for Miss Priss). What age do children start going to the dentist? I know Miss Priss is old enough, but does Boo need to go? I can just see the dentist looking at her teeth and telling me to start saving my money for orthodontics. I do need to make an appointment with my optometrist (I think in February so that I can catch tax return and get extra contacts and maybe even glasses), and I'm due for my yearly check with my PCP in March. Other than that, it's just the dentist.

3. Get all bills caught up. Almost all of them are, and none are really far behind (just one month), and I think once our tax return comes in, we will be able to catch up the others - there are only 2 totalling around $400. I think it's a good thing to spend the money on. Other than that, my money plans include putting money into savings every month (I'm thinking at least $50 in savings each month). I think making my own meals will help here - I will be paying more for groceries, but I will be paying less by eating out.

4. Last year I read 146 books. This year, I think I can make 156. That is 13 books per month, and I think I can do that. I would also like to read at least 2 non-fiction books a month. I know that can easily be accomplished, and then I would feel like I'm still somewhat intelligent.

5. The kids. Since I don't see them for very long on weekdays, I want to make sure that I spend that time with them (which means late dinners - hmmmm). On the weekends, I want to start planning activities and going places and seeing things. When did museums get to be so expensive? Not sure what I'm going to do - as the weather gets nicer, at least we can go to the park and stuff like that. But I don't think the weather will get nice for a couple months, so I will have to do some research into some things we can do around here that are inside activities.

6. The apartment. Oh, it needs some cleaning. I don't want to have a "Closet of Doom." I want to have a clean, organized place to live. I don't think that's too much to ask. I think it's time to get rid of some baby stuff that I've been saving too long. Not sure how I'm going to manage to do that, but it has to be done. It's just taking up room, and I don't see a baby anywhere in my near future if it's in the future at all.

I think that's about it. I might think of more in the next few days to add, but those are the main ones. Have a safe, happy, and prosperous 2008!