Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Just Thinking....

There are a lot of thoughts running around in my head right now, so that’s why I’ve been MIA. You’d think I’d actually be trying to get them all out.

We visited my grandfather over the weekend. He really misses my grandmother. He has a huge house all to himself, so it must be hard. In fact, it’s really hard for me to be there. So very many memories. He’s planning on selling the house. I figure by the end of the year, he’ll move. That’s almost harder for me to take than the loss of my grandmother. I know that sounds ridiculous – it’s just a house, and she was such a wonderful person, but it’s like losing that last little connection to her. It’s not that I blame him – it’s a huge house with a big yard, and he’s all alone with those memories and far too much to take care of by himself, but I hate to see the house sell. It’s in a great neighborhood in one of the best school districts in the area, so I know it will probably sell quickly.

It’s funny because not all of my memories are happy. I remember having my first panic attack there (or at least the first one that I recognized as a panic attack). I remember some of the nightmares I’ve had at that house too. One of them when I was very young, and one when I was in junior high. But, mostly, I remember the house full of people at Thanksgiving every year. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I remember sitting in one of the bedrooms with my cousin while my grandmother read us Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. In fact, there’s a certain brand of cigarette (and I don’t know what it is) that always takes me back to that time because my grandmother was a smoker for a majority of her life, and her breath smelled like those particular cigarettes. I remember the summer that my brother and I stayed there for 2 weeks going swimming everyday and staying up until 2 in the morning and sleeping in until 11 or noon. I remember the Christmas that I got a bike, my cousins and my brother got scooters, and it was snowing, so we had to ride our new toys in circles in the garage.

My mother and I cleaned out my grandmother’s closet for my grandfather. He doesn’t want to keep anything, so we cleaned out all the clothes. She has lots of jewelry that we left, of course, that I’m sure he’ll distribute as he sees fit. Or not. Maybe he’ll just wait and let everyone figure it out when he passes away. Of all the families who would not fight over things when he passes away, it’s my dad’s. The fight will be over sentimental things. My grandfather has a silk map of Borneo that he got in WWII. He was a belly gunner on a B-24 (I think it was a B-24, but I could be wrong). The map was in case they were shot down. He was going to throw the map away, but my grandmother wouldn’t let him. She had it framed, and it’s the only item in the house that I see a fight over when my grandfather dies.

It’s just sad to visit anymore. There’s not clear cut family reunion at Thanksgiving this year. There’s a planned family reunion in June, but I don’t think everyone will make it. My cousin is getting married in August, so that will get everyone together as well (including my brother who is flying down!).

No comments: