An Award

A Meritorious Service Award, to be precise. And I got it! :D And the best part is the $500 bonus that comes with it! Okay, maybe the recognition is the best part, but the $500 doesn't hurt. LOL

I'm just glad to be in a job that I love and I actually get credit for working my ass off. Last week was sooooo hard because I had to write up all the performance evaluations. July will be hard as well because that's when I have to go over them with my staff, and, well, everyone's went down from last year. In my defense, they were a bit inflated last year. So, between last week and this crazy week, I needed some good news. I'm currently doing my job, part of the job for someone on vacation, and I'm, as of today, taking over the work of one of my employees who is leaving to be a SAHM. Talk about a motivator to find a replacement super-quick!

Follow up

I was about to post about my follow up eye doctor appointment when I realized that I hadn't posted about the first appointment.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the opthalmologist (I probably misspelled that). When I went to the optometrist in March, she saw an area that she found "somewhat concerning" and debated whether or not to send me to the opthalmologist. She finally decided that I had good insurance and it was worth the peace of mind to go ahead and refer me.

So, since she was borderline on whether or not to even send me, I figured it would be an "in and out" appointment and scoffed at the recorded reminder message that said that many appointments can take up to 2 hours. It better not take 2 hours.

So, I got there, checked in and waited. Impatiently (since, of course, I was going home early, right?). Finally, I got called back to the room, they did the usual stuff, dilated my eyes, and I waited. And waited. And finally the fellow came in and looked at my eyes. He explained that I had a couple of spots that were very concerning and that the sometimes did a laser treatment to help such things. Uh-huh. I'm thinking of this as an eventuality - in a few years, I might need it.

Then the doctor comes in and looks at my eyes.

Any conversation that starts, "In most cases, I would recommend watching areas where the retina is thinning....." cannot be good. There's always a "but" coming, and this time was no exception, "but in your case, it has not only thinned, but there is actually a small hole. Even this would not be so concerning except for the fact that you have fluid building up behind the holes." Apparently, this puts me at higher risk for retinal detachment or tears. Yippy. And he recommended the laser treatment right away. Like, that afternoon. So much for "in and out."

I had a laser retinopexy done that very afternoon. That sucked. Apparently my eyes have a mind of their own, so whenever the laser would go off, my eyes would flinch and move. Which made this a super-tedious process for my doctor and a super-long process for me. He was nice enough to claim that it was because I am young and have good reflexes and good hearing, so I was hearing when it was about to go off and blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc. And, I am no longer interested in Lasik because I've decided that laser beams and my eyes do not mesh well together.

I have yet to get the bill which I am very curious about. My insurance covers most of it, but I don't think my part will be cheap. I guess we'll see.

Anyway, I went back yesterday for my follow up. Apparently, my eyes look great and the retinopexy is "holding well." I go back in 6 months unless, of course, I develop symptoms of something serious before then. And he remembered me (even though he sees lots and lots of patients and he's only seen me once). I don't like being a memorable patient, but when he walked in yesterday, he said, "I'm surprised you'll smile at me after the torture I put you through last time." hahahahahahaha.....my doctor is a comedian. All I wanted to hear is that my eyes look great, and I heard that much.

Never would have thought.....

that we would be coming back from practically having the divorced filed, but it seems we have come a long, long way. He has applied for jobs nearby so that he could move back home, and we've been talking sooooo much. I realized that was what was lacking in our marriage before. I wouldn't really tell him if he was doing something that was pissing me off. I'm not sure what I was afraid of, maybe that he would leave, but having seen that I could make it on my own if I had to made me strong enough to realize that I can say what I want to him. What's the worst thing that could happen? We are making remarkable progress, and I actually think our marriage is stronger now than it has been in the past. Strange ways that things work out.

Work has been so busy!

I feel like I'm trying really hard to keep up and I'm exhausted when I get home. Despite that fact though, I am really loving my job since my promotion. I am one of those people who likes to be super-busy, and my job definitely allows for that. Navigating the world of being a supervisor is a little more difficult since it's all new to me, and I went from virtually no supervisory experience to supervising 8 people and probably 9 come fall. Eeeek!

The little ones are doing good. We are now dummy free! Hooray! Last Saturday, we lost the one pacifier we had, so Boo had to go to bed without it. She was really unhappy about it, but she finally fell asleep after I told her that she had to quit crying and I would look for it (and then I retreated and played solitaire on the computer). I gave her the same story the next afternoon at naptime (after I had found the dummy and hidden it), and that night, she didn't even fight it. And she's done great since. She even got rid of it for naptimes at Grandma's house! I knew she was ready. Next big girl task: potty training. But I'm not sure she's really ready for that. She's showing zero interest, and I don't think she knows the feeling and that it means she needs to go to the bathroom yet. She'll get it down - she just turned 2 in December. Miss Priss was about 2 months shy of 3 before she got it all figured out. So, Boo's got a way to go before I get too worried about it. I am, however, looking forward to no longer changing diapers. :)

Another birthday party, another bad day for Mommy.....

Miss Priss is always so excited about going to her friends' birthday parties until we get there. We went to another one this weekend. I thought it was going to go well - when the leader told all the kids to follow her, Miss Priss followed - I was shocked. Until, that is, she came back sobbing. I feel so bad for her. I don't know how to help her get over this anxiety. From what I can tell, she's afraid of large groups of people and of people she doesn't know - this was a large group of people that she mainly didn't know. I can't say much since that is exactly what causes me anxiety, but that's why I want to help her.

But I'm not always sure how to handle a situation myself. I finally got Miss Priss calm enough to get on one of the balance beams (that was 6 inches off the ground), and she was walking along and this other little girl got on the other end and started walking toward Miss Priss. She yelled to her mom (who was sitting and talking to another mother nearby), "Mommy, that little girl is on my balance beam!"
Her mom yelled back, "Well, was she there first?"
"Yeah, but I want to be on this one." Then she glared at Miss Priss. I didn't know a 4 year old could put that much venom in her stare.
"Well, get down since she was there first."
She totally didn't listen (and her mom made no move to make her listen). She came toe to toe (literally) with Miss Priss (who must have sensed that I wasn't about to let her get off the balance beam ). She started to put her arms up to push Miss Priss off (which was not about to happen - I would have pushed that her off first - okay, maybe not, but I would have wanted to), and her Mom came up, grabbed her by the arm and told her to go sit down in time out. She laid down and had this huge temper tantrum (which her mom ignored and went back to talking), but Miss Priss and I continued down the balance beam. I'm not about to tell someone how to parent their child, but their child isn't going to get away with trying to push my child around.

This is why I'm better with blogs than I am with people IRL. Miss Priss' classmates' parents are a group that is especially tough for me. It's one of the only places where I feel like there's this - I don't know what to call it - animosity almost? - between SAHMs and working mothers. Around her classmates' parents, for the most part, I feel like they look down on me for being a working mother which, #1 irritates me to no end (hello?! Can't we all just respect each other's choices for our respective families?) and #2 makes me so uncomfortable and anxious to prove that my child is as happy and well-adjusted as any of them. That probably explains why it makes me so crazy when Miss Priss starts crying at these parties, and my own anxiety probably doesn't help her. I don't want to teach her to avoid situations that make her nervous because I know from experience that she can't do that all her life, but this is one instance where I really don't think I'm the best role model for her.

Funny Conversation

from the backseat on the way home.

Miss Priss: Mommy are we going to our house?
Boo: My house.
Miss Priss: No, it's -
Boo: My house.
Miss Priss: No, we share it.
Boo: Mommy and my house.
Miss Priss: What about me?
Boo: Me and Miss Priss's house.
Miss Priss: And Mommy.
Boo: No.
Miss Priss: If I sell you to the circus (a silly threat that we've always made to Miss Priss), then it will be my house and Mommy's house.
Boo: No, I sell you to the circus.

LOL

Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves" inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Okay, I just had to get that out (and if I did it sitting here, my neighbors would probably call the police....LOL). People at work are driving me crazy! And I can't even vent on my own blog because I don't want to get fired! But, I can scream. LOL

Serves me right.....

for even thinking (even if not out loud) that I hadn't taken a sick day since last fall. I haven't been to work the past two days since the girls were kind enough to share the cold that they are still trying to get over with me. So, now I'm trying to get over this cold. On the plus side, I've lost 5 pounds in 2 days. Not the diet plan I wanted to be on.

She did pretty well....

better than I expected. She did have a long period of being shy and scared. She didn't want to participate. But in the end, she did well and spent a lot of time running around and playing with her friends. I'd definitely call it an improvement. She is very shy around large groups of people (as is her mommy), so a birthday party that has lots of kids at it as well as lots of adults, and it makes her very nervous. And I think that part of the reason that it bugs me so much is that I'm so self concious of myself in situations like that as well. I don't want to be the parent who has to constantly be at my child's side - I don't want people to think that she can't handle things by herself. What did I do wrong as a parent? All these things go through my mind. So, it's as much my social anxiety as hers. So, I guess we'll see how she does at the next birthday party on the 30th.

Dang it.....

Blogger deleted my post. Basically, Miss Priss is going to a birthday party tomorrow, and since her mother declared her a social phobic at age 3 last time she went to a birthday party, her mother is trying to be better now that she's 4. Her teachers assured me at the parent/teacher conference that she's doing much better this year (raising her hand even!). So, we'll see how the party goes. :D

Why can't people drive in the rain?

It's freezing rain, I know, but what reason is there to drive as fast as possible? It's really annoying. And I'm in an annoyed mood. I'm ready for my girls to come home. They'll be home tomorrow. :D

It's been interesting....

with the girls gone this weekend. I've gotten a lot accomplished - some laundry, cleaned the fish aquarium, shampooed the carpet in my living room (it looks sooooo much better). I went and saw The Other Boleyn Girl today. I was not impressed. I'll post my opinions on that movie tomorrow. Oh, and the best part - I slept until 9:00 AM this morning. 9:00!!!!! I haven't slept that late in ages. And what woke me up? A phone call from the girls. LOL I'll be so glad to have them home. Mike and I have been talking a lot about the future between us and what it will hold. He knows that I won't commit to anything at all until he gets a job here and has moved. I won't commit to him until I know he's making plans and following through in an effort to commit to me.

Oh, come on!

I'm trying to consolidate my student loans. I've been turned down now by two companies (one of them being the company who loaned me the money in the first place) because - this is my favorite - I don't owe enough money. If I had $25,000 or $30,000 in debt, they'd do it. Since my debt is a measly little $21,000, they aren't interested. It's infuriating. Now I'm off to surf the web for someone who will actually consolidate my loans.

Now that's an interesting development.

I got a call from my STBX around lunchtime today. He sounded kind of upset, and he told me that he had two questions for me: Would I be willing to work on our relationship provided he got a job and moved back home and cut off all contact with Smalltown, Texas? and do I still love him in a romantic way?

Am I a horrible person that my first thought was - what kind of game is he playing?

Honestly, this was kind of the moment I've been hoping for for months. I didn't want things to end in divorce, but I was not going to be the little wife sitting at home while he's out carousing. So, now I've got all kinds of things going through my head. Am I willing to try and work it out? And if so, am I doing it for the right reasons? I mean, to really make it work, I would have to do it for me and for what I want - not because of the girls, not for the security that it would provide, not because I don't want to be alone.

I do still love him. Will it work though? I don't know. Does he love me that much? I guess that's what remains to be seen. I would have more faith in him if I saw him actually work toward a reconciliation. I'm not going to do the work on my own. He'll have to search for a job. I won't help. It's a small thing to ask if he truly wants to be with me.

Our relationship would not be the same. I know I've changed (for the better in my opinion), and even he's noticed that. Could he deal with that? I have no desire to go back to being the woman I was when I was with him previously. I'm a little more outspoken about what I want. I have no desire to swallow my anger and just do things myself. Instead, he's going to have to help pull his weight around the house. He got lazy about that, I got resentful, things went downhill. I would want to avoid the things that drove us apart in the past.

God help me, I've gotten my hopes up that he's serious and no just playing me for the fool (again). My head is telling me not to be an idiot. My heart is telling me to give it one more shot - all I lose is a little time before I file the divorce if things don't work out.

I wish their was a clear cut answer. I wish there was a magic way of knowing that I was making the right decision in giving him another chance. I guess a good start would be if he got a job locally and moved back home. I guess that's the jumping off point.

I've started the paperwork....

for my divorce. It's actually easier than I thought (or else I'm doing it wrong). There's a lot that we need to sort out still, but we had a nice long conversation yesterday morning regarding some of the arrangements.

He's been talking to some of his divorced friends because he's suddenly concerned about the financial arrangements. He's afraid that I'm going to take him to the cleaners when it's his mother who's watching the girls and providing all the childcare. Does he honestly think I haven't thought of that? I realize that, but it doesn't mean he doesn't have to provide any support at all for his kids. He suggested $300/month. Which I'm inclined to agree to in some respects (especially considering the child care thing), but that is supposed to pay all of their insurance costs as well. Uh, no. I'm thinking $300 plus the insurance premiums and any medical/dental bills. Which would actually make it $450 or so per month. He would like it if I don't consider his second job income since he doesn't know how long he'll have that. He told me that he's not going to "put himself in a financial hardship" and that I make more money than he does. So, therefore, I have no right to savings? I have money enough to pay my bills (as long as childcare is covered), but I would like to put money away for a house and a new car and for the girls to eventually go to college (not that I'm paying for all of it, but I'd like to help some). I know he's pretty incapable of saving money, so that's going to be up to me. I want to have the life I want rather than getting by as I have been. I agree that he doesn't have to finance my life, but still - they are his children, and he should support them some. As it is, he provides no support - his mother does, but that's her choice. I can't even really talk to his parents about everything because when I asked him how much his parents knew (so that I can don't reveal things he doesn't want them to know), he told me that when everything started, he told them that it's his life and his business. Oh, great. Way to stay on their good side.

And the car. We bought the truck (which I should never have agreed to) in October. We've made 4 payments, so only 68 more to go. He's going to be paying those, but if I can arrange it, he's going to have to refinance it into his name only. I want no liability for it - I'm not going to carry insurance on it (well, I'm still debating that - once it's out of my name, I certainly won't, but until then, I might just to cover my ass in case it gets wrecked - the finance company would want money, if he's at fault, other people might want money - I'd rather an insurance company be responsible for that). So, anyway, when he got the truck, I got the Hyundai which we got in 2004. His parents bought it for us and we signed an agreement that we would pay them back. Which we haven't so far. We actually haven't paid them anything. When we were considering buying the truck and I was hesitant, he told me that if things didn't work out between us, he would take the truck (and refinance it) and I would get the Hyundai and he would assume all debt for it.

So, now the negotiation begins. Now I'm getting to have all the fun of trying to figure this all out and hope he agrees -which means just like any bargaining thing, I'll have to start out higher than I really want or have tradeoffs that I'm willing to take. So there we are. I guess we'll see where it goes from here.

It's been one of those days.

I swear, I feel like I'm getting picked on. I realize this is probably just PMS, but still. At work, I got a couple of snippy emails and a phone call that I wasn't overly friendly (well, actually, in that guy's defense, he was friendly, but he wanted the problem to be resolved, so I can't really be mad at him). And then my STBX (soon-to-be-ex-husband) told me on the phone tonight that he was just asking about my day and I didn't have to be short with him. That just about set me off. So, I think I'm going to go paint my toenails, take a nice hot bath and go to bed. Oh, wait, Project Runway has to figure in there somewhere.

And the plants are already sprouting! I think we're actually going to have flowers! :D

We planted flowers!

The girls and I planted flowers in one of these. We planted Impatiens, Shasta Daisies, 2 different colors of Morning Glories, Bluebonnets (State Flower of Texas), and Zinnias. We'll see what comes up - hopefully a lot and hopefully quickly! Then I'll have to figure out what do with them, but I'm just waiting to see if they actually sprout first.

I'm reading a really great book called Between a Rock and a Hard Place by Aron Ralston, the guy whose arm got pinned while he was hiking in a canyon and had to amputate his arm. Very interesting book. I'd recommend it to anyone who likes non-fiction. :)

I don't think he's thought this through....

because if he had, he'd know that moving in with his mistress for "financial reasons" is not a good plan. By lying to me, by leading me on, not smart - he gave up any chance of any reconciliation, and he's going to find out that he's going to be worse off when he starts paying me child support and for the girls' insurance (because that's the standard agreement - a percentage of his income as well as all medical bills and premiums). Since he'll never be able to find any insurance for the girls for cheaper (especially good insurance), it makes sense to leave it under my insurance and he can just pay me for what comes out of my check. But he's not thinking straight. He's consumed with her and with guilt toward me. He keeps asking how I'm doing (apparently, I've seemed kind of "blah" lately. Really? Maybe that's because I don't feel the need to confide in an asshole who can lie to my face. Just a thought. See - I knew that anger/bitterness phase would kick in. I got the book on how to do my own divorce from the library (including the disk which has all the necessary forms on it). I'm willing to do this without lawyers if he's more agreeable to that (which I'm sure he is since it's waaaaaaaaay cheaper). But I'm going to be the one writing it up, so it's going to be what I want (and I like to think I can be fair). Don't worry, though, if he decides to get lawyers involved, my uncle is an attorney, so I have someone I can turn to if it goes that way. I'm getting to the point where I am ready to get this over with. I want it all done and worked out, so that I can start saving my money (which he's leaving alone - it's a joint account). The only thing that remains to be seen is child care for the girls. I am a little worried about it. I like to think that his mom will realize it's what's best for the girls, but still. That's the only thing I'm really worried about. Thank God that I'm at a point in my life where I can pay for things on my own. I don't have a mortgage. I don't live beyond my means. And if worst came to worst, I could even pay for childcare for the girls (the little things like the internet and satellite would have to go, but it could be done).

Okay, let me see...

if I can spit out all the stuff I'm thinking. First, let me tell you what he told me. Or paraphrase. Blah, blah, blah, he loves how easy it is to talk to me, how easy it is to have a intelligent conversation. He loves so many things about me, but there's no chemistry. I agree with the no chemistry part - that part of our relationship admittedly died a long time ago. And I don't want to be second best or what he's settling for. So, from my perspective, this is best.

What I have a problem with is her. I'm not naive. I realize that two people were involved in this affair. I question his morals as much as hers, but only one of them is a parent to my children. They have to be around him. I don't want them around her. And part of that is because of what he told me about her. He seems to have no respect for her or at least doesn't think she's very smart. What does that tell my children? That tells them that men value the 21 year old idiot more than the 27 year old with half a brain (or maybe even more than that LOL). He is their role model. Has he forgotten that? That's my current issue with him.

I understand that financial reasons are driving part of this. And, realistically, since I've done more research on it, I know that he'll be paying me child support at 25% of his income as well as all medical bills associated with them (including the premiums that I pay for their insurance). Plus, he'll also have to get his own car insurance (I'm currently paying for that policy). So, yeah, there are expenses. That's for the two of them to work out. As long as my child support is coming in, it's not my problem.

What I do have a major problem with is that he thinks I'm an idiot. Does he think I really believe that they're going to be roommates for the most part (that's what he told me!)? Seperate rooms? Hello! Do I have stupid written across my forehead? If he's going to live with her, he might as well own up to it.

Anyway, back to the original thing - he wants the girls to come out and visit for a long weekend (Saturday through Tuesday) soon. This is where I have a very, very hard time knowing what to do. My girls miss him so much it hurts. They jump for joy when he's home. They don't know or understand what is going on. And hopefully, they're not old enough to understand that their father is choosing a physical relationship with her over everything that we built together. But, how do I explain her to them? Daddy's new roommate? She has a son and does childcare out of her home (or will be when she moves). I asked him how he would handle things when he is working. He didn't give me an answer - just a, well, I'm going to try and take a day off kind of crap. I don't want them left alone with her especially the first time. They're used to being with me or with Grandma. They don't even know her. And Miss Priss is extremely shy around strangers. Does he really plan to leave her alone with one? Even if the only other child around is her 2 year old - if the 3 of them are playing and something gets broken or someone gets hurt, who's she going to assume was at fault? Her kid? Yeah, right. I'm a parent - I know that my kids would probably be found guilty.

Also, he wants to just pick them up or meet up halfway or something. And how exactly does he expect me to explain this to them? I can't just wait until he gets here so that we can explain together because I would have to get their stuff together and ready. "You're going to visit Daddy out in Smalltown." "No, Mommy's not going." I'm not going to explain their relationship to my children.

I just don't know what to tell him. I'm not about to deny him access to the girls or, more importantly, I'm not about to deny the girls access to the father that they love no matter how flawed he is. We are all flawed. He is a good father for them, so I have no reason to keep them apart. I just wish that the girls weren't involved. That's the hardest part of this for me.

I wonder how much his parents know. They're eventually going to know it all, but I would really like to be able to talk realistically to his mother. I don't think anything will change with the child care arrangements we have right now. She loves the girls and knows that the best thing for them is consistancy, and that she is part of that. They know about the other woman and that he cheated on me. I don't want them to feel like I'm taking advantage of them and everything they've done for us.

Funny, my parents still don't know a thing. I should really tell them. But, I'm their baby girl, and I know they're going to think the worst of him. And even I can't think the worst of him because at some point I loved him enough to conceive two beautiful children with him. And I want to believe that I wasn't so stupid in my choice of men. The thought of all my family gossiping about me makes me want to throw up. And I have a gossipy family. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know what to think or how to explain anything to anyone. Most importantly though, I want to make sure that no one ever says anything bad about him around the girls. They love him no matter what, and I don't want them to hear things about him from other people.