Okay, let me see...

if I can spit out all the stuff I'm thinking. First, let me tell you what he told me. Or paraphrase. Blah, blah, blah, he loves how easy it is to talk to me, how easy it is to have a intelligent conversation. He loves so many things about me, but there's no chemistry. I agree with the no chemistry part - that part of our relationship admittedly died a long time ago. And I don't want to be second best or what he's settling for. So, from my perspective, this is best.

What I have a problem with is her. I'm not naive. I realize that two people were involved in this affair. I question his morals as much as hers, but only one of them is a parent to my children. They have to be around him. I don't want them around her. And part of that is because of what he told me about her. He seems to have no respect for her or at least doesn't think she's very smart. What does that tell my children? That tells them that men value the 21 year old idiot more than the 27 year old with half a brain (or maybe even more than that LOL). He is their role model. Has he forgotten that? That's my current issue with him.

I understand that financial reasons are driving part of this. And, realistically, since I've done more research on it, I know that he'll be paying me child support at 25% of his income as well as all medical bills associated with them (including the premiums that I pay for their insurance). Plus, he'll also have to get his own car insurance (I'm currently paying for that policy). So, yeah, there are expenses. That's for the two of them to work out. As long as my child support is coming in, it's not my problem.

What I do have a major problem with is that he thinks I'm an idiot. Does he think I really believe that they're going to be roommates for the most part (that's what he told me!)? Seperate rooms? Hello! Do I have stupid written across my forehead? If he's going to live with her, he might as well own up to it.

Anyway, back to the original thing - he wants the girls to come out and visit for a long weekend (Saturday through Tuesday) soon. This is where I have a very, very hard time knowing what to do. My girls miss him so much it hurts. They jump for joy when he's home. They don't know or understand what is going on. And hopefully, they're not old enough to understand that their father is choosing a physical relationship with her over everything that we built together. But, how do I explain her to them? Daddy's new roommate? She has a son and does childcare out of her home (or will be when she moves). I asked him how he would handle things when he is working. He didn't give me an answer - just a, well, I'm going to try and take a day off kind of crap. I don't want them left alone with her especially the first time. They're used to being with me or with Grandma. They don't even know her. And Miss Priss is extremely shy around strangers. Does he really plan to leave her alone with one? Even if the only other child around is her 2 year old - if the 3 of them are playing and something gets broken or someone gets hurt, who's she going to assume was at fault? Her kid? Yeah, right. I'm a parent - I know that my kids would probably be found guilty.

Also, he wants to just pick them up or meet up halfway or something. And how exactly does he expect me to explain this to them? I can't just wait until he gets here so that we can explain together because I would have to get their stuff together and ready. "You're going to visit Daddy out in Smalltown." "No, Mommy's not going." I'm not going to explain their relationship to my children.

I just don't know what to tell him. I'm not about to deny him access to the girls or, more importantly, I'm not about to deny the girls access to the father that they love no matter how flawed he is. We are all flawed. He is a good father for them, so I have no reason to keep them apart. I just wish that the girls weren't involved. That's the hardest part of this for me.

I wonder how much his parents know. They're eventually going to know it all, but I would really like to be able to talk realistically to his mother. I don't think anything will change with the child care arrangements we have right now. She loves the girls and knows that the best thing for them is consistancy, and that she is part of that. They know about the other woman and that he cheated on me. I don't want them to feel like I'm taking advantage of them and everything they've done for us.

Funny, my parents still don't know a thing. I should really tell them. But, I'm their baby girl, and I know they're going to think the worst of him. And even I can't think the worst of him because at some point I loved him enough to conceive two beautiful children with him. And I want to believe that I wasn't so stupid in my choice of men. The thought of all my family gossiping about me makes me want to throw up. And I have a gossipy family. Maybe I'm wrong. I just don't know what to think or how to explain anything to anyone. Most importantly though, I want to make sure that no one ever says anything bad about him around the girls. They love him no matter what, and I don't want them to hear things about him from other people.