I think my marriage is coming to an end. I hate that. I feel like such a failure (as if it's entirely my fault). I just keep thinking, what did I do wrong that so many other people get right? Every time I think things are getting better, they don't seem to progress. My husband talks a big game, but his actions don't follow suit.
What's really sad is that I don't feel completely heartbroken. Maybe I've already done my grieving and never really thought it would work out after he cheated. I don't know. I feel more....embarrassed. Like I can't tell anyone. I haven't even told my parents anything. I don't know what I think will happen. It's really no one's business except his and mine, but I don't really want people to think badly of him. Or maybe it's more, I don't want people to speak badly of him because my girls don't know or understand what's going on.
That's my other worry. I don't want them to be the children of a broken home. All the statistics say that puts them at a disadvantage. Of course, statistics are what happens on average. We wouldn't be the average divorced couple (or at least I don't think so). I think we would get along pretty well. We both love the girls and would go to great lengths to make sure they're protected and always know how much they're loved. And wouldn't it be better anyway for them to see their parents in true functioning loving relationships even if it's not with each other? Wouldn't that be the good example to set?
I think it's a sign of how bad things have gotten that my fears are not about being alone or being single or "losing" him. It's how to make all the day-to-day stuff work out and how to do what's best for my children. Or maybe I know I've already "lost" him and I'm past that and working toward how to take care of myself.
He doesn't say "I love you," when he finishes our phone conversations any more. Just bye. Maybe I'm supposed to be the one to say it, but still. It's weird. I think we both know that we aren't going to make it long term, but neither of us wants to be the one to quit on our marriage. It's strange, and I feel confused and kind of sad and angry, but not much. I just don't feel much of anything.
I wish I would have a peaceful feeling that I'm making the right decision if I end it. I know eventually I would know that it was right, but going into it, I don't know and I don't know what to do.
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2 comments:
I am really sorry to hear that. If you have done everything you can to save your marriage, then you can feel better about it being over.
Good luck to you and your girls.
Alison, I am so sorry to hear that. I think all the feelings you are feeling must be normal (though I suppose "normal" isn't really where you are right now) for such a traumatic event. Whatever you're feeling is what you're feeling, it's not right or wrong. I'll be thinking of you and your girls and sending good thoughts your way.
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