I took Miss Priss to a birthday party for one of her classmates yesterday. It was at a place that has lots of bounce houses, and the kids get to play for an hour and half before cake and ice cream, etc.
We got there, and Miss Priss is so exceptionally shy. She won't talk to any adults (won't even look at them), and she won't even talk to any of her classmates. I was ready to go home seeing how she didn't want to talk much less play with any of her "friends." She spent the first 15 minutes watching other kids play but not leaving my side.
Then her friend C showed up. She and C are really good friends, and all of a sudden, she was gone, and I was having trouble keeping up with her and seeing where she was. She was smiling and happy and running around. And then she wasn't. There were older kids there, and they were very rough and not looking out for the littler kids. Every few minutes, she would come to me crying because C was playing and climbing and having fun, and she "couldn't keep up" (which wasn't true, she just wouldn't follow when C would go somewhere). She was also upset that C was playing with another little boy. I told her that C could play with other kids and that she could, too, but she is not interested. As background here, her teachers told me at the parent/teacher conference that she and C play almost exclusively together at preschool. She would get upset if she couldn't find C or if she couldn't find me. I swear she spent half the time crying. It just made me want to cry myself.
Here's where my question comes in. At this point, I don't even want to take her to any more birthday parties for her classmates. It just depresses me to see that she is such a loner and seems happiest playing by herself or with her one friend.
In all honesty, I can't say much. I spent 3 minutes (if that) talking to C's mom and only passing comments to anyone else. So, I spent almost 2 hours talking to no one myself. For the most part, I'm a loner. I don't have anyone I would describe as a close friend. I've dealt with social anxiety my entire life (I was painfully shy as a child as well), and I guess I just want something different for her.
I know that her anxiety in social settings provokes a physical reaction in Miss Priss. She tells me that she is cold (she is usually shivering, so she assumes it's cold), but I recognize that as a symptom that I get a lot of times when I'm nervous or in the middle of a panic attack. She only gets this way when she's nervous in public, so I know it's not a symptom of something else. I was so hoping that my girls wouldn't have to deal with any of these things that I did. I'm about to start crying just thinking about it.
Back to my original question (for real this time). I'm not sure how to help her be more comfortable in social situations (where I'm usually uncomfortable myself). I know she can probably sense that, but I'm helpless to change my own comfort level. I don't want to throw her to the wolves and make her go do things that she doesn't want to do. I don't know if I should get her involved in more activities (since she does well at school even if she only plays with one child) or a different preschool or if I should just accept this as a facet of her personality and not try to "change" it. I also found out that this is C's last week at preschool. She and her family are moving back to Finland, so I don't know who Miss Priss will play with now. I'm kind of hoping it will force her to play with other children. I don't know what to do. The other thing is DH asked her if she had fun, and she said yes and proceeded to tell him that she played with C. So maybe she's happy how she is?
I don't know. Congratulations if you made it this far and still understand what is going on.
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4 comments:
I think we'll have the same issues, except in Graces' case.. she seems pretty content and doesn't seem to need one child in particular. Rather, in her case..she is just more social in situations that involve one or two other children..she socializes then. But when we take her to say..Gymboree..she is more content playing with me or her dad or by herself. So, if she seems able to play with C.. perhaps you can schedule some playdates with some of the other kids.. allow her to get to know some of the other kids on more of a quiet, less crowded setting. Grace has a few good friends from this. Granted, they're still not kids that she MUST SEE EVERYDAY or anything.. but she enjoys seeing them and will play with them and gets excited when I tell her we will see them. I am the same way socially.. I tend to shut down in more crowded situations and do better in smaller, more intimate settings. So I guess in my case, I just think.. "well, she takes after me.." and while it's certainly not my ideal situation, she seems to be okay with it (no crying if so and so isn't playing with her.. which I do worry about happening at some point..but so far hasn't..). Good luck! It's not easy.. and I don't know how old Little MIss Priss is.. Grace is just 2.. so perhaps by your girls age..it's harder to deal with..
Wow..I wrote a really long commment.sorry!
I think Amanda has a great idea - although it might be a little hard for you to do the reaching out to other parents, but it might be worth it.
There are definitely inherent differences in the kind of social situations that people are comfortable with, and some people will just never be totally happy in large groups. I agree with Amanda - I think you should try to find small playtimes for her, like with one or two kids at the most, so she can enjoy a group that is not totally chaotic. My mom is like that and she always says if she has to spend too much time in a row with other people, she shuts down. So she knows to make sure that she always builds in enough alone time for herself to recharge. I think instead of trying to "change" it as you say, you should help her find ways to work toward her comfort zone.
Elise
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