I haven't had one in sooooo long -- until yesterday. I really freaked out becuase I had forgotten just how awful it is to have one. If you've never had one, consider yourself lucky; I wouldn't wish them on my worst enemy. I fear that one or both of my children will have them. That really scares me.
I was at work yesterday, and I'm not sure what caused it, but all of a sudden, I knew what was happening. I had one a couple of weeks ago at work, but it wasn't bad and I talked myself "down" from it. I couldn't do that yesterday. I completely panicked. Since everyone is different, I will try to explain what it's like for me. For my father (who had them when he was around my age), he would have the muscle tightening in his chest -- feels like a heart attack. I don't get that. I can feel it start in my neck and radiate down my shoulders. It's a pins and needles kind of feeling (adrenaline rush). I feel really hot all of a sudden. Then I throw up. Until my stomach is completely empty. It's an awful feeling.
I realize that it's "all in my head" (I hate that phrase when describing anxiety attacks because my symptoms are manifested physically and are hardly in my head!) in the sense that my brain and mind are causing it and that there's not real reason to panic. But it's hard to stop once the feelings start in.
I went home from work -- freaked my boss out. She wasn't sure if something was wrong with me and the baby. She called my house last night to check on me.
I thought I would be okay once I left. Nope. Then, the fear of having another attack set in, and I had another one because I was afraid of having a panic attack (what a viscious cycle it is!). Trying to go to bed, I had another one -- same reason. My mind is really bad about jumping to horrible thoughts when I'm scared of panic attacks. What if I can't take care of my daughter because I'm having a panic attack? Had another one when my husband left this morning. Poor guy, I'm sure he's worried about me and the baby. But, (knock on wood), I'm doing pretty well today. Maybe getting my daughter to daycare and proving to myself that I can do that and get ready and such was good for me.
Funny thing, though. The baby was going crazy during this whole time, so I didn't have to worry about her at all. Must be all the adrenaline. Hopefully, her system doesn't process it as panic the way mine does.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Monday, September 26, 2005
12 Days
And counting since the pacifier went bye-bye. I'm still very excited and sleeping better!
My nesting instinct has kicked in. I spent about 6 hours Saturday cleaning my house. And I didn't finish nearly what I wanted to. I spent another 3 hours Sunday cleaning out closets and such. My husband wants me to take it easy and not go crazy. Ha! You can't fight instinct.
So, anyway, now I'm tired. Don't tell my husband.
My nesting instinct has kicked in. I spent about 6 hours Saturday cleaning my house. And I didn't finish nearly what I wanted to. I spent another 3 hours Sunday cleaning out closets and such. My husband wants me to take it easy and not go crazy. Ha! You can't fight instinct.
So, anyway, now I'm tired. Don't tell my husband.
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Sorry for the absence.....
I had a doctor's appointment Monday. Baby looks good. Baby's heartbeat was around 147 when she could find it. This baby is a squirmer and doesn't like people messing with her. I gained 5 lbs this month (bringing me to 10 thus far). My blood pressure is good. I'm measuring about 26 weeks (I'm 24 and a few days), but I was measuring at 22 weeks for my 20 week appointment. Overall, things look good.
My daughter was sick yesterday. I do not like getting a call from daycare that I need to come and pick her up. They told me that she was running a fever of 104, but I have my doubts that it was really that high. On our way home, we had to go buy Tylenol. Her fever stayed around 101-102 all through the afternoon. Nothing seemed to phase it. Sometime between her going to bed at 9:00 and my first potty break at about midnight, she cooled down. She was back to normal when I checked on her.
Hurricane Rita looks poised to hit the Texas gulf coast. I have some family in the area, so I hope they are all safe and stay that way.
My daughter was sick yesterday. I do not like getting a call from daycare that I need to come and pick her up. They told me that she was running a fever of 104, but I have my doubts that it was really that high. On our way home, we had to go buy Tylenol. Her fever stayed around 101-102 all through the afternoon. Nothing seemed to phase it. Sometime between her going to bed at 9:00 and my first potty break at about midnight, she cooled down. She was back to normal when I checked on her.
Hurricane Rita looks poised to hit the Texas gulf coast. I have some family in the area, so I hope they are all safe and stay that way.
Friday, September 16, 2005
Day 2
Well, night #2 went exceptionally well. I put her in bed after she started her little radio playing, and I left the room.
No crying.
Waited a few minutes -- still no crying. I was about ready to go in and check on her because there is no way that it could be that easy.
"I want my purple one. I want my purple one! I WANT MY PURPLE ONE!" Ah, there we go. I knew it would start. But that was where it ended. Just a simple statement proclaiming what she wanted. Asleep by 9:15.
You have no idea how excited I am. I can't believe she's doing so well. Now, I don't want to jinx myself because tonight can go very badly, but I think so far, so good.
What I'm really interested to see is what she does with Daddy. I think she'll try to pull the sweet little baby girl eyes with him. Which means that I will have to dispose of any pacifiers beforehand so that even if he wants to give in, he can't. That's not to say that he's going to try and give her one, but I'm going to make sure it's not an option.
I'm so glad that it's Friday. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so we'll see how much weight I've gained and how the little bugger is doing. I love hearing that little heartbeat.
No crying.
Waited a few minutes -- still no crying. I was about ready to go in and check on her because there is no way that it could be that easy.
"I want my purple one. I want my purple one! I WANT MY PURPLE ONE!" Ah, there we go. I knew it would start. But that was where it ended. Just a simple statement proclaiming what she wanted. Asleep by 9:15.
You have no idea how excited I am. I can't believe she's doing so well. Now, I don't want to jinx myself because tonight can go very badly, but I think so far, so good.
What I'm really interested to see is what she does with Daddy. I think she'll try to pull the sweet little baby girl eyes with him. Which means that I will have to dispose of any pacifiers beforehand so that even if he wants to give in, he can't. That's not to say that he's going to try and give her one, but I'm going to make sure it's not an option.
I'm so glad that it's Friday. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, so we'll see how much weight I've gained and how the little bugger is doing. I love hearing that little heartbeat.
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Day 1
Or night 1.
I picked my daughter up from daycare and as soon as she got in the car, she wanted a pacifier. I told her we didn't have any. She did pretty well. On the way home, she started to get a little upset about not having one, so I started to sing the ABCs to distract her (I have a horrible voice, so it is very distracting). She told me, "No ABCs, Mama, no ABCs!" I guess she doesn't like my singing. Therefore, we counted to 10, and I counted to 20. She's got 10 down, so I guess the next set is to count to 20.
She did pretty well throughout the evening. Then, it was bedtime. 8:53. I normally put her down at 9:00 or so. She did get a small (about half) dose of allergy medicine at 8:30. She turned on her music and told me that she wanted her "yellow buddy." No. We don't have any pacifiers. Sorry. I put her in bed and covered her up. She didn't cry. Hmmmm.....she asked for ice water. I went and got her some water. When I left that time, she realized she wasn't getting the beloved pacifier, so then she started crying. I went into the living room to read my book. After 10 minutes, I went in and told her to lie down and that she was fine and didn't need a pacifier. She did lie down. I left, crying commenced; I waited 15 minutes this time because the crying got muffled toward the 10 minute mark, so I knew she was lying down. She told me her nose was running and that she needed a Kleenex. I got her one. I left, crying commenced; I went in after 10 minutes because she had coughed/gagged a couple of times before going completely quiet, and I wanted to make sure that she wasn't choking or anything. She was fine. I left; crying commenced. I waited 15 minutes. I knew she was getting close to going to sleep because her crying wasn't as strong. She was more interested in going to sleep than crying. At 9:50, she stopped crying completely. Having the choking fear again, I went to the door. No noise except for her breathing. Then the phone rang. As she started crying again, I made a mental note to find out who called my parents' house at 10 'til 10, hunt them down, and personally strangle them. Five minutes later, all was quiet again. I tiptoed into her room, stubbed my toe, restrained from muttering a string of expletives (at least until I got out of the room), and peeked in on her. Sound asleep. No pacifier in sight.
So, the next test was the overnight test. She usually wakes up at least once and starts crying when she can't find the damn thing. Fast forward to 2:30 AM. She wakes up. Or I wake up, I assume she hadn't been awake but for a couple of seconds. She is asking for the pacifier. I decide to wait a couple of minutes and see what happens. After about 15 seconds, all is quiet again. I snuck in to check on her, and found her asleep again.
She didn't wake up again.
This morning, so energized by my semi-success last night, I decide to tell her daycare teachers to try and see how she does without it. Give it to her if she asks for it or if she throws a big fit, but see if she'll go without. As I walk into the daycare center, the director catches me. She tells me that she had talked to Nicole (my daughter's teacher). Nicole was surprised to learn that my daughter had a pacifier. That's right: SHE HASN'T USED A PACIFIER SINCE SHE MOVED INTO HER NEW CLASS. Had I known this a month ago when she started in that class, I would have gotten rid of the pacifier then. So, we have now been without a pacifier for approximately 32 hours. We'll see how tonight goes. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
I picked my daughter up from daycare and as soon as she got in the car, she wanted a pacifier. I told her we didn't have any. She did pretty well. On the way home, she started to get a little upset about not having one, so I started to sing the ABCs to distract her (I have a horrible voice, so it is very distracting). She told me, "No ABCs, Mama, no ABCs!" I guess she doesn't like my singing. Therefore, we counted to 10, and I counted to 20. She's got 10 down, so I guess the next set is to count to 20.
She did pretty well throughout the evening. Then, it was bedtime. 8:53. I normally put her down at 9:00 or so. She did get a small (about half) dose of allergy medicine at 8:30. She turned on her music and told me that she wanted her "yellow buddy." No. We don't have any pacifiers. Sorry. I put her in bed and covered her up. She didn't cry. Hmmmm.....she asked for ice water. I went and got her some water. When I left that time, she realized she wasn't getting the beloved pacifier, so then she started crying. I went into the living room to read my book. After 10 minutes, I went in and told her to lie down and that she was fine and didn't need a pacifier. She did lie down. I left, crying commenced; I waited 15 minutes this time because the crying got muffled toward the 10 minute mark, so I knew she was lying down. She told me her nose was running and that she needed a Kleenex. I got her one. I left, crying commenced; I went in after 10 minutes because she had coughed/gagged a couple of times before going completely quiet, and I wanted to make sure that she wasn't choking or anything. She was fine. I left; crying commenced. I waited 15 minutes. I knew she was getting close to going to sleep because her crying wasn't as strong. She was more interested in going to sleep than crying. At 9:50, she stopped crying completely. Having the choking fear again, I went to the door. No noise except for her breathing. Then the phone rang. As she started crying again, I made a mental note to find out who called my parents' house at 10 'til 10, hunt them down, and personally strangle them. Five minutes later, all was quiet again. I tiptoed into her room, stubbed my toe, restrained from muttering a string of expletives (at least until I got out of the room), and peeked in on her. Sound asleep. No pacifier in sight.
So, the next test was the overnight test. She usually wakes up at least once and starts crying when she can't find the damn thing. Fast forward to 2:30 AM. She wakes up. Or I wake up, I assume she hadn't been awake but for a couple of seconds. She is asking for the pacifier. I decide to wait a couple of minutes and see what happens. After about 15 seconds, all is quiet again. I snuck in to check on her, and found her asleep again.
She didn't wake up again.
This morning, so energized by my semi-success last night, I decide to tell her daycare teachers to try and see how she does without it. Give it to her if she asks for it or if she throws a big fit, but see if she'll go without. As I walk into the daycare center, the director catches me. She tells me that she had talked to Nicole (my daughter's teacher). Nicole was surprised to learn that my daughter had a pacifier. That's right: SHE HASN'T USED A PACIFIER SINCE SHE MOVED INTO HER NEW CLASS. Had I known this a month ago when she started in that class, I would have gotten rid of the pacifier then. So, we have now been without a pacifier for approximately 32 hours. We'll see how tonight goes. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
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